In November 2012, I was diagnosed with situational depression. Thankfully, I got the help that I needed. It has been almost 3 years but I am still healing. Since September is suicide awareness month, I thought I would share my story, again, with a little more detail.
While I was not suicidal, I was depressed. I was lonely and nothing I did filled the hole that I felt was my life. I felt like I was a burden to my husband and that I was hurting my children. There was a time that I thought, maybe if I just leave. If I leave, they will be better off without me. I thought that I would just drive away, walk away from everything I loved. That was probably the lowest point of my life. I didn't walk away, I turned around and rebuilt my foundation. I was able to make a stand in my own life, because I had people in my life that cared. They cared enough about me, to encourage me to get help. They listened to me when I cried for help. Looking back, I know I didn't do it alone. Without the help of my friends and family, I know I would still be in a very dark place.
On the outside, I was okay. Very few people even realized that I was depressed. I had my game face on all of the time. Behind closed doors, I was a mess. Panic attacks, lack of sleep and constant worry was the me at home. I spent most of my hours in bed, with the lights off and my eyes closed. That was how I got through my days. The breaking point came and every emotion that I had kept hidden hit like a freight train. As I think back, the question I remember asking myself over and over was; "what do I have to be depressed about?" I felt that I should have been stronger, that I should have been able to avoid feeling the way I did. I was the most resilient person I knew. I couldn't be depressed, people were depending on me. My life was perfect. Perfect kids, perfect husband...the list went on and on with everything I had, no where was there a reason to be depressed. What my mind didn't put on that list was every emotion that I carried.
The sadness of losing people you love. The fear of watching the father of your children get on an airplane to a combat zone. The worry that grows with each day you don't hear from him. The fear that your way of life is harming your kids. The weight of being there when your kids are afraid. The anger that you feel because your best friend is away from home. The frustration of balancing kids and home life, alone. The sheer panic of missing that long awaited phone call. Not to mention the exhaustion of knowing that something is not right and feeling like you just can't fight anymore...
If you are reading this and you can see yourself, you are not alone. There are others that have carried the burden of depression and we know how awful it feels. Get help, find someone that you can talk to, write your feelings down... Don't let yourself drown. Take a stand and take your life back!
If you are reading this and it sounds like someone you know, REACH OUT!!! Call that person, make sure they are okay! They need you! They need to see that they matter to someone! Encourage them to get the help they need. I know I wouldn't be healthy right now if my friends had stayed on the sidelines.
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-adjustment-disorder
Daisypath Friendship tickers
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Monday, July 13, 2015
It's over....
My relationship.....with bleach, that is. Those that know me, know that my relationship with bleach, has been a long one. I am known to use bleach to clean just about, scratch that, I clean everything with it. Well as of today, that will change. I took a spray bottle, some vinegar, water and about 15 drops of Thieves essential oil shook them all up and sprayed my counters, table top, and the stove top; took a wet rag and wiped up the mess. I wish I had taken before/after pics of the stove top. It was covered in grease, red chile, dried beans and who knows what else. It all came right up with a few wipes of a wet rag. My counter tops were greasy and sticky, not any more. Now my kitchen smells delicious and I don't have to worry about my asthmatic child getting sick with the fumes! Score for this mom! Another reason to love our new oily life!
Friday, July 25, 2014
Weed your Garden
The last few weeks have been a series of ups and downs. I am not quite ready to disclose every detail of what is going on, so the following is just what I have learned in the last month or so.
As winter turned to spring, the children and I decided to plant a garden. We ordered garden pots for the back yard and a myriad of fruits, vegetables and flowers. Thus far, we've harvested potatoes, cherry tomatoes, and cucumbers. We have poppies, morning glories, mums, and a few other flowers that we can't remember the names for. As the days have passed I have found myself asking God for the answer to one question; how are we going to do this? Every day I was left without an answer or so I thought. Each time I asked I found myself outside, looking at the blooms in our small garden. The little patch of beauty was being choked by weeds. I would look at them and say, "I need to weed my garden." I would then return indoors and go about my day or evening. Last night as I questioned my path, I once again found myself looking at my little garden. This time, I grabbed the shears and my gloves and got to work weeding and watering my garden. As I removed patch after patch of overgrown weeds, I realized how many blooms were hidden under the madness. That is when it hit me. The answer to my question of how we are going to get through the next few months. We need to take care of our garden. We need to take out the weeds before they cover the blooms. We need to add good soil and lots of water so that the blooms can be healthy and thrive.
I have pulled the weeds from my garden, I've added good soil and I will water my little patch of beauty every day. I will take joy in the blooms that appear and I will nourish my family with the fruits of my labor.
As winter turned to spring, the children and I decided to plant a garden. We ordered garden pots for the back yard and a myriad of fruits, vegetables and flowers. Thus far, we've harvested potatoes, cherry tomatoes, and cucumbers. We have poppies, morning glories, mums, and a few other flowers that we can't remember the names for. As the days have passed I have found myself asking God for the answer to one question; how are we going to do this? Every day I was left without an answer or so I thought. Each time I asked I found myself outside, looking at the blooms in our small garden. The little patch of beauty was being choked by weeds. I would look at them and say, "I need to weed my garden." I would then return indoors and go about my day or evening. Last night as I questioned my path, I once again found myself looking at my little garden. This time, I grabbed the shears and my gloves and got to work weeding and watering my garden. As I removed patch after patch of overgrown weeds, I realized how many blooms were hidden under the madness. That is when it hit me. The answer to my question of how we are going to get through the next few months. We need to take care of our garden. We need to take out the weeds before they cover the blooms. We need to add good soil and lots of water so that the blooms can be healthy and thrive.
I have pulled the weeds from my garden, I've added good soil and I will water my little patch of beauty every day. I will take joy in the blooms that appear and I will nourish my family with the fruits of my labor.
Now I will apply the same theory to my life. I will remove the weeds from my life. The weeds that cast doubt on my decisions, because what I am doing doesn't fit in with their lives. The weeds that can't see past their own insecurities. The weeds that are always negative.
I will add good soil to my blooms to nourish the positive relationships in my life. I will water the blooms that offer encouragement and advice. I will spend time in my garden with the blossoms that offer support and a safe place to cry. Above all, I will appreciate the beauty of my garden and learn to trust which plant is a weed and which is a flower.
My advice to others is, look around you. If you are surrounded by weeds, pull them. If you are surrounded by flowers, nourish them and appreciate them.
I will add good soil to my blooms to nourish the positive relationships in my life. I will water the blooms that offer encouragement and advice. I will spend time in my garden with the blossoms that offer support and a safe place to cry. Above all, I will appreciate the beauty of my garden and learn to trust which plant is a weed and which is a flower.
My advice to others is, look around you. If you are surrounded by weeds, pull them. If you are surrounded by flowers, nourish them and appreciate them.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Two weeks of eating at home....
then three weeks and then an entire month! That is my short term goal for this!
We spend way too much money eating out and in turn, we end up tossing so much food out. I aim to end that cycle in May. Every dollar and every meal will be planned. By the end of summer I hope this is a regular occurrence.
Two weeks of dinner plans are as follows:
Monday: Lasagna with meat sauce and cottage cheese with a salad of romaine lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers
I make my own spaghetti sauce and I use ground turkey instead of beef in this meal. I also used lactaid cottage cheese and shredded cheddar instead of shredded parmesan cheese. It was pretty good and I will work out the kinks later. The kids and the husband had crescent rolls, I skipped those. :)
Tuesday: Baked pork chops with long grain and wild rice. For this I will use boneless center cut loin chops and two boxes of uncle Ben's long grain and wild rice. I will use chicken stock instead of water and I will bake in a casserole dish at 350* for aprox 30-45 minutes. I will serve with steamed peas or green beans.
Wednesday: Steak quesadillas and re fried beans. This is my husband's request. I will use marinated grilled flank steak, shredded cheddar and mozzarella cheese and whole wheat tortillas. I will make a large pot of pinto beans, for the re fried beans and to use later in the week with another meal. Fresh salsa and quinoa cooked Mexican style. (recipe to follow after experiment)
Thursday: This is leftover night or PB&J. This mom will need a break! haha Not to mention this is karate night and it is a family affair. So I know no one will want to cook when we get home!
Friday: Grilled BBQ chicken with roasted purple potatoes. The purple potatoes were in our veggie basket that we purchase from bountiful baskets, link to follow at the end.
Saturday: Hot dogs and baked beans. I like all beef Oscar Mayer dogs. I will use leftover pinto beans and turn them into honey BBQ baked beans.
Sunday: Baked potato bar. This was a solid hit the first time I tried it. Just take some large baking potatoes, add a whole bunch of toppings (cheese, steamed broccoli, red onions, sour cream, steak, chili, etc) and have fun.
Monday: Stuffed peppers and potatoes Au gratin. I use ground turkey for this recipe too. I will also steam and puree carrots and mix them into the meat balls.
Tuesday: Taco DAY! Shredded beef tacos. I will put a beef roast in the crock pot by 10 am, season it and let it cook all day. Prep all toppings and shred and the meal is ready. I will probably do a side of chipotle style black beans.
Wednesday: Spaghetti and meatballs. I make my own sauce, which will probably be started on Monday or Tues. I want to serve fresh steamed green beans with this.
Thursday: Left overs!
Friday: Grilled pork chops with mac and cheese
Saturday: Grilled chicken salad; also the husband's request. We are hoping to get some excellent veggies in our basket this week!
Sunday: Baked ham and a few trimmings.
Where we get some of our veggies http://bountifulbaskets.org/ (we are totally in love with this co-op)
Recipes, I cook on the fly. I don't ever write anything down (I know I should). I like to cook to my taste or to my whim. It makes cooking fun and it gives me something to look forward to at meal time!
We spend way too much money eating out and in turn, we end up tossing so much food out. I aim to end that cycle in May. Every dollar and every meal will be planned. By the end of summer I hope this is a regular occurrence.
Two weeks of dinner plans are as follows:
Monday: Lasagna with meat sauce and cottage cheese with a salad of romaine lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers
I make my own spaghetti sauce and I use ground turkey instead of beef in this meal. I also used lactaid cottage cheese and shredded cheddar instead of shredded parmesan cheese. It was pretty good and I will work out the kinks later. The kids and the husband had crescent rolls, I skipped those. :)
Tuesday: Baked pork chops with long grain and wild rice. For this I will use boneless center cut loin chops and two boxes of uncle Ben's long grain and wild rice. I will use chicken stock instead of water and I will bake in a casserole dish at 350* for aprox 30-45 minutes. I will serve with steamed peas or green beans.
Wednesday: Steak quesadillas and re fried beans. This is my husband's request. I will use marinated grilled flank steak, shredded cheddar and mozzarella cheese and whole wheat tortillas. I will make a large pot of pinto beans, for the re fried beans and to use later in the week with another meal. Fresh salsa and quinoa cooked Mexican style. (recipe to follow after experiment)
Thursday: This is leftover night or PB&J. This mom will need a break! haha Not to mention this is karate night and it is a family affair. So I know no one will want to cook when we get home!
Friday: Grilled BBQ chicken with roasted purple potatoes. The purple potatoes were in our veggie basket that we purchase from bountiful baskets, link to follow at the end.
Saturday: Hot dogs and baked beans. I like all beef Oscar Mayer dogs. I will use leftover pinto beans and turn them into honey BBQ baked beans.
Sunday: Baked potato bar. This was a solid hit the first time I tried it. Just take some large baking potatoes, add a whole bunch of toppings (cheese, steamed broccoli, red onions, sour cream, steak, chili, etc) and have fun.
Monday: Stuffed peppers and potatoes Au gratin. I use ground turkey for this recipe too. I will also steam and puree carrots and mix them into the meat balls.
Tuesday: Taco DAY! Shredded beef tacos. I will put a beef roast in the crock pot by 10 am, season it and let it cook all day. Prep all toppings and shred and the meal is ready. I will probably do a side of chipotle style black beans.
Wednesday: Spaghetti and meatballs. I make my own sauce, which will probably be started on Monday or Tues. I want to serve fresh steamed green beans with this.
Thursday: Left overs!
Friday: Grilled pork chops with mac and cheese
Saturday: Grilled chicken salad; also the husband's request. We are hoping to get some excellent veggies in our basket this week!
Sunday: Baked ham and a few trimmings.
Where we get some of our veggies http://bountifulbaskets.org/ (we are totally in love with this co-op)
Recipes, I cook on the fly. I don't ever write anything down (I know I should). I like to cook to my taste or to my whim. It makes cooking fun and it gives me something to look forward to at meal time!
Thursday, April 17, 2014
We moved!!!
Yeah we moved! Like five months ago. I finally put a few more pictures on the wall. We planted two container gardens and we have something akin to a small green house in our living room.
It has been interesting to go from a cracker box sized house, to a house where we all fit! A few new pieces of furniture and there are only a few echoes left.
The kids have adjusted very well. They are in various activities and they are enjoying seeing the change in seasons. It was a long winter and we will be so very happy to see a green spring and summer!
Now it is time to adjust to shifting schedules and an always ringing phone. :)
The kids have adjusted very well. They are in various activities and they are enjoying seeing the change in seasons. It was a long winter and we will be so very happy to see a green spring and summer!
Now it is time to adjust to shifting schedules and an always ringing phone. :)
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
I.....need......help (oh that was difficult)
I've started this so many times and so many ways. It's hard for me to ask for help. It's hard for me to say that I needed help.
The last few years have been an emotional roller coaster for me. In the last seven years my husband has deployed 3 times. Once to Iraq and twice to Afghanistan. I lost my paternal grand father and watched as my sister buried her child. I lost an uncle who was more like my brother. Watched as all of my babies started school. Watched as my baby sister took her first steps on her own. Dealt with the emotional blows of reintegration. Handled the emotions of three children while their father was deployed. Watched and waited as my mother had her first surgery, ever.
The highs and lows of life took their toll on me and it took crying over spilled milk for me to realize that it was time to get help. I am standing in my kitchen with a blue cup in my hand. I reach over to place it on the table and some how the cup falls from my hand and falls to the floor. All I can think is damn it! Now I have a mess to clean up. The tears start...and I can't stop them even as I realize that the cup was empty and there is not a mess to clean up. The tears just keep coming. They continue as I call and make an appointment to talk to somebody. Anybody that can help the feeling of sadness go away. I never wanted to hurt myself or anyone else. I was just sad and blue and lonely so very, very lonely.
Getting help for my depression was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
I believe it was hard for me to get help because I kept telling myself that I had nothing to be depressed over. My kids are healthy, I have a beautiful home, my husband is as much in love with me as I am with him, I have friends, and my bills are paid. Why would I be depressed? What was there to be depressed about?
Admitting that I had stopped taking care of myself was a hard step to take. Admitting that I couldn't get rid of the blues on my own, was even harder.
This time last year, I was barely getting out of bed. I was out of bed long enough to get the kids out the door and to get them fed in the afternoon. Nothing was fun. Everything I did I felt like I did it because it was expected. I wanted to have fun, but I couldn't. Reading wasn't enjoyable, cooking wasn't enjoyable, and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like there was a cloud over me all of the time. There was no reason to smile. I wanted too, but I just couldn't do it. I don't know what my friends saw, but all I could see was sadness.
I got help. I allowed myself to be put on medication and I found a therapist. I was diagnosed with a severe case of situational depression. My brain wasn't adjusting to the ups and downs anymore. My brain and my emotions had taken a time out.
I look back to last year and I don't recognize the person I was. After 12 months of regular medication and therapy I feel like me, finally. Being depressed for me was a physical feeling. Nothing was sunny, there was a cloud over everything. Sleeping made it all go away, so I stayed in bed. Staying in bed didn't fix anything, nor did it give me a chance to deal with the emotions of life. I needed help!!!
If any of you that are reading this, feel blue or feel like nothing is bright and sunny; get help.
Being strong doesn't mean that nothing bothers you. Being strong means you have the ability to bend. Being strong means you ask for help when you can't keep the pieces together alone.
The last few years have been an emotional roller coaster for me. In the last seven years my husband has deployed 3 times. Once to Iraq and twice to Afghanistan. I lost my paternal grand father and watched as my sister buried her child. I lost an uncle who was more like my brother. Watched as all of my babies started school. Watched as my baby sister took her first steps on her own. Dealt with the emotional blows of reintegration. Handled the emotions of three children while their father was deployed. Watched and waited as my mother had her first surgery, ever.
The highs and lows of life took their toll on me and it took crying over spilled milk for me to realize that it was time to get help. I am standing in my kitchen with a blue cup in my hand. I reach over to place it on the table and some how the cup falls from my hand and falls to the floor. All I can think is damn it! Now I have a mess to clean up. The tears start...and I can't stop them even as I realize that the cup was empty and there is not a mess to clean up. The tears just keep coming. They continue as I call and make an appointment to talk to somebody. Anybody that can help the feeling of sadness go away. I never wanted to hurt myself or anyone else. I was just sad and blue and lonely so very, very lonely.
Getting help for my depression was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
I believe it was hard for me to get help because I kept telling myself that I had nothing to be depressed over. My kids are healthy, I have a beautiful home, my husband is as much in love with me as I am with him, I have friends, and my bills are paid. Why would I be depressed? What was there to be depressed about?
Admitting that I had stopped taking care of myself was a hard step to take. Admitting that I couldn't get rid of the blues on my own, was even harder.
This time last year, I was barely getting out of bed. I was out of bed long enough to get the kids out the door and to get them fed in the afternoon. Nothing was fun. Everything I did I felt like I did it because it was expected. I wanted to have fun, but I couldn't. Reading wasn't enjoyable, cooking wasn't enjoyable, and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like there was a cloud over me all of the time. There was no reason to smile. I wanted too, but I just couldn't do it. I don't know what my friends saw, but all I could see was sadness.
I got help. I allowed myself to be put on medication and I found a therapist. I was diagnosed with a severe case of situational depression. My brain wasn't adjusting to the ups and downs anymore. My brain and my emotions had taken a time out.
I look back to last year and I don't recognize the person I was. After 12 months of regular medication and therapy I feel like me, finally. Being depressed for me was a physical feeling. Nothing was sunny, there was a cloud over everything. Sleeping made it all go away, so I stayed in bed. Staying in bed didn't fix anything, nor did it give me a chance to deal with the emotions of life. I needed help!!!
If any of you that are reading this, feel blue or feel like nothing is bright and sunny; get help.
Being strong doesn't mean that nothing bothers you. Being strong means you have the ability to bend. Being strong means you ask for help when you can't keep the pieces together alone.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Happy Mother's Day
As I listen to the sounds of my children, as they ready themselves for bed, I can't help but think of how blessed I am. The mother of three beautiful, smart, funny, healthy and loving children my heart is filled with happiness. It makes me think of how else, as a mother, I am blessed.
I am blessed to have my mother. Not only as a shoulder to cry on but as my friend and confidant. My mother loves me unconditionally. She has no problem telling me that I need a time out and she is always there when my world is filled with storm clouds. I know that my mom has carried the world on her shoulders. She taught me that strength comes from within. That standing up for yourself and what is right, is how the world should work.
I am blessed to have one of the most wonderful mother in laws in the world. I don't know anyone that shines as bright as her. I know that without her love and support, I would be lost!
I am blessed to have my Grand Mother. There is a special bond between a Grand mother and her Grand daughters. I have always found peace with my Grand mother. Like my mom, my Grand mother has always been there for me. It makes my heart dance to see the light in her eyes when her great grand children go visit her!
I am blessed to have fellow mommy friends. From those that are celebrating their first Mother's Day (KB) to those that have seen their children grow into wonderful adults (GL). Those that welcomed our family into theirs with open arms (RF, DR, NW). To the mommies that let me hold their brand new babies (MM, AW). It is nice to know that their are other mommies that have been sleep deprived, suffer from memory loss (did I brush my teeth this morning?) and know when an alcoholic beverage is the only help you can expect!! Thank you for being a part of my life and for allowing me to be a part of yours.
I am blessed with sisters!! From my niece to my nephews, so glad I have three little people to spoil rotten and then send home!!! :)
I am blessed to have some of the best aunts in the world!! RH, LS, RV, BV, VQ, all of you are in my heart. You are a shoulder to lean on, a laugh to be had, and are always up for fun!!! I love each and every one of you.
To all the Mother's in my life and every Mother out there; may you be as blessed as I am. If you can, hug your mom and tell her you love her. Show her that she appreciated as often as you can, not just tomorrow.
~A~
I am blessed to have my mother. Not only as a shoulder to cry on but as my friend and confidant. My mother loves me unconditionally. She has no problem telling me that I need a time out and she is always there when my world is filled with storm clouds. I know that my mom has carried the world on her shoulders. She taught me that strength comes from within. That standing up for yourself and what is right, is how the world should work.
I am blessed to have one of the most wonderful mother in laws in the world. I don't know anyone that shines as bright as her. I know that without her love and support, I would be lost!
I am blessed to have my Grand Mother. There is a special bond between a Grand mother and her Grand daughters. I have always found peace with my Grand mother. Like my mom, my Grand mother has always been there for me. It makes my heart dance to see the light in her eyes when her great grand children go visit her!
I am blessed to have fellow mommy friends. From those that are celebrating their first Mother's Day (KB) to those that have seen their children grow into wonderful adults (GL). Those that welcomed our family into theirs with open arms (RF, DR, NW). To the mommies that let me hold their brand new babies (MM, AW). It is nice to know that their are other mommies that have been sleep deprived, suffer from memory loss (did I brush my teeth this morning?) and know when an alcoholic beverage is the only help you can expect!! Thank you for being a part of my life and for allowing me to be a part of yours.
I am blessed with sisters!! From my niece to my nephews, so glad I have three little people to spoil rotten and then send home!!! :)
I am blessed to have some of the best aunts in the world!! RH, LS, RV, BV, VQ, all of you are in my heart. You are a shoulder to lean on, a laugh to be had, and are always up for fun!!! I love each and every one of you.
To all the Mother's in my life and every Mother out there; may you be as blessed as I am. If you can, hug your mom and tell her you love her. Show her that she appreciated as often as you can, not just tomorrow.
~A~
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