Is it envy? Is it jealousy? I don't know what it is.......................all I know is that I feel guilty for having the thoughts that I do.
I get up everyday, I dress the kids, I take them to daycare, I get to school, I pick them up, I get them fed, I get them bathed, and I get them to bed. In the midst of all this there is laundry, housework, homework, dogs to be fed, groceries to be bought, bills to be paid, sick kids to comfort....and I do it everyday. In the background there is the silent pleading with the phone...ring and be him.....ring and be him.....ring and be him......
Then the phone rings and all you can do is sigh, it's him...he's safe......he's alive......he's well. All he tells you is that he is bored and that they can't decide which movie to watch on their shift. And you think..."he's ok, that is all that matters" "HE'S ALIVE!!"
Then you get off the phone and reality hits all over......he is in a combat zone bored (which is a good thing) and you are home........with EVERY responsibility BOTH of you are supposed to shoulder. Yet he is somewhere in the world BORED!! and you are home, with all the worry and the responsibility. And you can't help but think.....When do I get a break?? When does it get better? When does it get easier to deal with? When does it get to the point that you can deal with him being so far from home? Does it ever get easier?
What makes it worse? The fact that you are all alone? Or that it seems like he gets to only be responsible for himself??
Who the hell knows...all I know is that May can't get here soon enough.......
Daisypath Friendship tickers
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
This I believe........
This is an essay required for my ENGL composition class. Thought I would share............
I believe in angels. I believe there are angels you can see and those you can not. I believe there are angels you can touch and those that touch you. I do not say this lightly, I have always believed in a higher power. I was not totally convinced that angels existed until 2005-2006. I was pregnant with my second child at the time.
We were living in Leavenworth, KS and every time I went to the doctor during my pregnancy, there was an elderly gentleman there that I would speak to. It never mattered what time I went or what day, he was there. Some times he would be sitting on a bench, like he was waiting for someone to pick him up. Other times he would be getting in or out of the elevator. What was very striking about this man was his state of dress. He was always dressed in his Sunday best. His boots were freshly shined, his shirt and pants pressed and starched, his jacket would be hung over his arm. He wore no tie; instead he wore a silver and turquoise bolo tie. On his wrist there was a silver and turquoise watch. I have only known one other man to ever dress this way. That was my Daddy Dave, my grand father.
My grand father passed away in March 2002. This man reminded me very much of my beloved Daddy Dave. The summer of 2009 found the Hughes family in transition from Fort Hood, Texas to Fort Carson Colorado. While we waited for house to be ready we stayed at my mom’s house in New Mexico. One lazy Saturday, my mom and my middle child, Abigail, were looking at some old pictures of various family members. My mom would ask Abigail to point out various people that she knew in each picture. They came across a picture of my Daddy Dave with all of my uncles. Abigail points to him and declares “hey I know him, he’s my friend.” This is quite stunning to my mother and me since there is no physical way any of my children could know who my grand father was.
“Your friend?” my mom questions.
“Yes my friend, he comes to see me. He tells me stories,” Abigail says.
“What kind of stories?” my mom asks.
“Oh, funny ones,” says Abigail.
After this encounter, I was even more convinced of the presence of angels. My Daddy Dave is one of them. He makes sure that we are on the right path. When things get hard, he is there to help us through the hard times. I may not be able to see him but his presence and strength are always felt.
I believe in angels. I believe there are angels you can see and those you can not. I believe there are angels you can touch and those that touch you. I do not say this lightly, I have always believed in a higher power. I was not totally convinced that angels existed until 2005-2006. I was pregnant with my second child at the time.
We were living in Leavenworth, KS and every time I went to the doctor during my pregnancy, there was an elderly gentleman there that I would speak to. It never mattered what time I went or what day, he was there. Some times he would be sitting on a bench, like he was waiting for someone to pick him up. Other times he would be getting in or out of the elevator. What was very striking about this man was his state of dress. He was always dressed in his Sunday best. His boots were freshly shined, his shirt and pants pressed and starched, his jacket would be hung over his arm. He wore no tie; instead he wore a silver and turquoise bolo tie. On his wrist there was a silver and turquoise watch. I have only known one other man to ever dress this way. That was my Daddy Dave, my grand father.
My grand father passed away in March 2002. This man reminded me very much of my beloved Daddy Dave. The summer of 2009 found the Hughes family in transition from Fort Hood, Texas to Fort Carson Colorado. While we waited for house to be ready we stayed at my mom’s house in New Mexico. One lazy Saturday, my mom and my middle child, Abigail, were looking at some old pictures of various family members. My mom would ask Abigail to point out various people that she knew in each picture. They came across a picture of my Daddy Dave with all of my uncles. Abigail points to him and declares “hey I know him, he’s my friend.” This is quite stunning to my mother and me since there is no physical way any of my children could know who my grand father was.
“Your friend?” my mom questions.
“Yes my friend, he comes to see me. He tells me stories,” Abigail says.
“What kind of stories?” my mom asks.
“Oh, funny ones,” says Abigail.
After this encounter, I was even more convinced of the presence of angels. My Daddy Dave is one of them. He makes sure that we are on the right path. When things get hard, he is there to help us through the hard times. I may not be able to see him but his presence and strength are always felt.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Dammit 2
**sigh** so my funk is still here for whatever reason. Maybe it is just PMS or the second week of school coming to a close. Maybe it is the fact that I don't think I have had a descents night sleep since Sept......
I discovered another thing I hate.....this may sound weird to some of you but to other it will make perfect sense.
I hate how all of his stuff is just here....like it's waiting on him. I guess the first time I didn't really notice it since we moved twice in the 15 months he was gone. But now...his clothes just hangs out in the closet. His shower stuff in the bathroom. There is even a Dr Pepper and a granola bar on his side of the bed on an end table. Why haven't I thrown it away or put it away?? Funny you ask that.......I just can't move it. Anymore than I can put his shower stuff where I can't see it or pack up his side of the closet. I just can not bring myself to move them. His things will sit where they are and wait for him....same as the kids and I do, day after day after day.......
I discovered another thing I hate.....this may sound weird to some of you but to other it will make perfect sense.
I hate how all of his stuff is just here....like it's waiting on him. I guess the first time I didn't really notice it since we moved twice in the 15 months he was gone. But now...his clothes just hangs out in the closet. His shower stuff in the bathroom. There is even a Dr Pepper and a granola bar on his side of the bed on an end table. Why haven't I thrown it away or put it away?? Funny you ask that.......I just can't move it. Anymore than I can put his shower stuff where I can't see it or pack up his side of the closet. I just can not bring myself to move them. His things will sit where they are and wait for him....same as the kids and I do, day after day after day.......
Thursday, January 28, 2010
DAMMIT!!
So I have put up a good front the last few weeks....hell I guess the last two months have all been one great big fake smile..............I HATE THIS!!! I hate how much I miss him. I hate how much it bothers me to go to bed alone and to wake up the same way. I hate how I reach for the phone to call him. I hate how I reach for him in the middle of the night. I hate how a song can make me cry because it reminds me of him. I hate how much the kids remind me of him. I hate how much they miss him. All the way around I just hate this!!
I miss him for selfish reasons. I miss that he is not here to help carry the load. I miss that he is not here to pick up the pieces when they all come tumbling down. I hate that he isn't here to hold it all together. I want to be angry with him because he isn't here. I want to scream and yell and stomp my feet when it all just gets to be to much. I want him home so bad it is like a hole that can't be filled. Nothing you put there will fill it. There is a part of my life that is just missing without him. It fills up during those all to brief phone calls. You hold onto every word he says. Even if they make no sense in your world you hold them in your heart like you would hold gold in your hands. You hold onto those I love you's and I will be home soons for the bad days. So you can replay them in your head, so you know it will be ok.......soon. You listen to the sound of him breathing, the tone of his voice, the sound of his laugh, since those are the only clues you have to let you know if he is ok. You wonder is he sleeping? Are they feeding him ok? Does he have enough snacks? What can I send him so he knows how much we love and miss him?
There isn't a minute of any day that passes that he isn't part of............
Dammit I just miss him.......I want him home. I just want to be able to feel him close. To know that my partner and best friend his right next to me and not an ocean away....to know that he is safe and well fed.....to know he will be there when I reach for him in the middle of the night........
I miss him for selfish reasons. I miss that he is not here to help carry the load. I miss that he is not here to pick up the pieces when they all come tumbling down. I hate that he isn't here to hold it all together. I want to be angry with him because he isn't here. I want to scream and yell and stomp my feet when it all just gets to be to much. I want him home so bad it is like a hole that can't be filled. Nothing you put there will fill it. There is a part of my life that is just missing without him. It fills up during those all to brief phone calls. You hold onto every word he says. Even if they make no sense in your world you hold them in your heart like you would hold gold in your hands. You hold onto those I love you's and I will be home soons for the bad days. So you can replay them in your head, so you know it will be ok.......soon. You listen to the sound of him breathing, the tone of his voice, the sound of his laugh, since those are the only clues you have to let you know if he is ok. You wonder is he sleeping? Are they feeding him ok? Does he have enough snacks? What can I send him so he knows how much we love and miss him?
There isn't a minute of any day that passes that he isn't part of............
Dammit I just miss him.......I want him home. I just want to be able to feel him close. To know that my partner and best friend his right next to me and not an ocean away....to know that he is safe and well fed.....to know he will be there when I reach for him in the middle of the night........
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Today.....could it be??
Six years ago today I said "I Do" to the man I love. I didn't say "I might" or "maybe I will". I said "I do". I committed my life to him as he committed his life to me. As I look back over the last six years I see a roller coaster of events....4 moves, 3 babies, 2 deployments, 1 trip to Hawaii, countless moments. I realize that as we have grown so has our marriage and our love for each other. There have been moments of great happiness and horrible sadness. While we have not experienced some life changing events we sure have had our share of life moments. While each one was a challenge they were all met with love. There isn't a day that passes that I do not think of how lucky I am to have Allen in my life. He is my strength, my hero, my lover, my friend and so many other things. He is there to catch the tears when they fall and there to see the smiles he brings to my life.
So many things I could have been in my life, but the greatest thing I have become is a wife and mother. Allen I love you. I love you more today then I did six years ago. I thank God for putting me on the path that led to you. I look forward to the rest of our lives together. We have had our ups and downs, yet through it all we have come out on the other side more in love with each other than the day we said "I Do". Even though we will spend this Anniversary apart please know that you are the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am reminded of the bible verse that was read at our wedding:
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 1-13
So many things I could have been in my life, but the greatest thing I have become is a wife and mother. Allen I love you. I love you more today then I did six years ago. I thank God for putting me on the path that led to you. I look forward to the rest of our lives together. We have had our ups and downs, yet through it all we have come out on the other side more in love with each other than the day we said "I Do". Even though we will spend this Anniversary apart please know that you are the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am reminded of the bible verse that was read at our wedding:
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 1-13
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Who I am.......
I attended a spouses training ....called CARE team training. (CAsualty Response Team) This is training for volunteers that make themselves available to a family to ensure that everyday things are tended to in order for a family to deal with the unfortunate event of losing their Soldier, their Soldier being severly injured, or any other severe crisis that could plague a military family. Most military families are not within immediate reach of family support, CARE Team would be the bridge until the families own support system can be put into place.
I couldn't help but look around the room at the women around me......there is no mold for a military wife. There is no one personality that makes an Army wife. However, there is a common thread among all of us. Army wives are truly a different breed. This does not make us better than any other wife........it just makes us different.
Military wives range from the highly educated to the high school drop out. From organized to organized chaos. We are mothers, daughters, sisters and friends. Almost overnight we learn acronyms that are the basis to our livelihoods: LES, ACS, PCS, TDY, PX just to name a few. We learn how to pack up a house one day and make a house into a home the next day. We learn what it is like to say hello to strangers and good bye to friends. We learn that birthdays, Christmas, and Anniversaries are celebrated months in advance or months late. We learn to answer the phone at 3 am. We learn the sound of his voice and the feel of his touch by heart, since tomorrow he will be in a foreign land. We learn to be strong for the sake of our children. We learn that somedays are longer than others. We learn to smile through the sadness of being alone. We learn that sometimes strangers make the greatest friends. We learn to lean on each other instead of carrying the weight alone.
To my fellow Army wives and Military wives....we are a breed all alone. We stand beside the Greatest men in the world. I thank each and every one of you. For the things you do for the one you love and the strength you pass onto others. There are no words to express how I feel about the sisterhood that I am part of. I know not where we get the strength to love the men we do, but we love them none the less. THANK YOU!!!!
I couldn't help but look around the room at the women around me......there is no mold for a military wife. There is no one personality that makes an Army wife. However, there is a common thread among all of us. Army wives are truly a different breed. This does not make us better than any other wife........it just makes us different.
Military wives range from the highly educated to the high school drop out. From organized to organized chaos. We are mothers, daughters, sisters and friends. Almost overnight we learn acronyms that are the basis to our livelihoods: LES, ACS, PCS, TDY, PX just to name a few. We learn how to pack up a house one day and make a house into a home the next day. We learn what it is like to say hello to strangers and good bye to friends. We learn that birthdays, Christmas, and Anniversaries are celebrated months in advance or months late. We learn to answer the phone at 3 am. We learn the sound of his voice and the feel of his touch by heart, since tomorrow he will be in a foreign land. We learn to be strong for the sake of our children. We learn that somedays are longer than others. We learn to smile through the sadness of being alone. We learn that sometimes strangers make the greatest friends. We learn to lean on each other instead of carrying the weight alone.
To my fellow Army wives and Military wives....we are a breed all alone. We stand beside the Greatest men in the world. I thank each and every one of you. For the things you do for the one you love and the strength you pass onto others. There are no words to express how I feel about the sisterhood that I am part of. I know not where we get the strength to love the men we do, but we love them none the less. THANK YOU!!!!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
10 yrs and counting.....
Who would have thought I would be here after 10 years. I look back on the last 10 years and I can't help but smile and laugh.
10 years ago I told myself I would never be married and I would never have children. I was going to be SGM of the Army. I was going to be in charge and no one was going to tell me how to live my life....10 years ago I was a High School senior with the WHOLE world at my feet, at least I thought so anyway.
Funny how life has a way of changing things. I have been truly blessed in my life. I have a mother that I know would move hell and high water for me if she could. She has been my rock and my saving grace more times than I can count. I look to her for guidance, laughter and even a good scolding. She is my shoulder when I need to lean on something. In her I find strength I can only imagine. She has raised four children on her own. While my sisters still live at home and go to school, I know they will be successful adults.
My Soldier life was one amazing ride!! I got to see things most people only dream of. I have been to the DMZ. I have seen a different culture. Korea was a fun place to be at 19 yrs old. I have eaten some GREAT foreign cuisine. I stood at the base of the Eiffel tower (with the man I love, saw castles and drove 90 miles an hour. Hey that was the slow lane!! LOL I got to meet AMAZING people the various places I served at. There are WAY to many names to list here....all of you know who you are.
I am married to one of the greatest guys I know. (I know my Daddy Dave would have loved this guy) I love him more than he knows. He is truly my soul mate. He believes in me the way few others ever have. He has given me a life that I wouldn't change for the world. Although his job sometimes takes him far from home he is always in my heart. There isn't a day that goes by I don't want to call and tell him something. I LOVE YOU!!
The three kids we have had are my world. I am so thankful I had the choice; my family or my country. I chose my children. They are my moon and my stars. They light up my darkest day. I don't know how I would live without them....life would sure be boring.
Allyson, the oldest, is SUPER smart and VERY serious. She is the oldest child to the tee. She likes to think she is in charge and loves her role as big sister. She is a very emotional and intuitive child. She loves books and loves to sing and dance. She has a humorous streak that she keeps hidden, but when she shows it she will have you in stitches.
Abigail, the classic middle child!! This is my DREAMER, there is nothing to far fetched for her. She enjoys the parties in her head where they dance and eat cheese and crackers.....She is the peanut. Always happy, except when she is MAD!! Oh boy she has a temper!! LOL She marches to the beat of her own drum. She has truly taught me the meaning of patience.
Anthony, the baby....what more is there to say?? He is a charmer and has yet to meet a stranger. He will talk to anyone that speaks to him. He is cuddly and loving. Smothered in love by everyone that knows him, especially his big sisters. He loves his "Poop" (his pooh bear, he calls him "poop") LOL and his binky.
Allyson and Abigail are my stars.....they twinkle and shine with their huge personalities. Anthony is my moon he is a bright light all of the time. Amazing how kids can fill up your life. I truly could not imagine how my life would be as anything other than a wife and mother. My husband and children fill up everything I do.
The man I married has one awesome family. They have their quirks but, I couldn't have better in laws!! All of them are VERY special to me. My mother and father in law, for sharing their experiences and showing us that we can get through it all. For being there every time I call. For sharing their AMAZING son with me. My mother in law...for being there to catch the tears on the bad days and share the smiles on the good days. My brothers and sister for being there to hang out. I wish we could all be a little bit closer.... Linda and Troy for every time I call and you are there. For listening and being another shoulder to lean on. For just being there....Amy, Angie and Bret thank you for sharing your mom and dad with us, you guys are very lucky to have the parents you do. To Granny...she will get me if she ever reads this...LOL I miss you!! I love you as if I was born into this family. There is so much to say about you that I just can't put into words...take care of you...I will see you soon!!!
As 2010 kicks into high gear I look forward to the next 10 years. I am sure it will be another awesome ride......the highs and lows.......the every days and the once in a blue moons. I count my blessings and all I ask is that everyone I love be kept safe and may they be as blessed as I am....
10 years ago I told myself I would never be married and I would never have children. I was going to be SGM of the Army. I was going to be in charge and no one was going to tell me how to live my life....10 years ago I was a High School senior with the WHOLE world at my feet, at least I thought so anyway.
Funny how life has a way of changing things. I have been truly blessed in my life. I have a mother that I know would move hell and high water for me if she could. She has been my rock and my saving grace more times than I can count. I look to her for guidance, laughter and even a good scolding. She is my shoulder when I need to lean on something. In her I find strength I can only imagine. She has raised four children on her own. While my sisters still live at home and go to school, I know they will be successful adults.
My Soldier life was one amazing ride!! I got to see things most people only dream of. I have been to the DMZ. I have seen a different culture. Korea was a fun place to be at 19 yrs old. I have eaten some GREAT foreign cuisine. I stood at the base of the Eiffel tower (with the man I love, saw castles and drove 90 miles an hour. Hey that was the slow lane!! LOL I got to meet AMAZING people the various places I served at. There are WAY to many names to list here....all of you know who you are.
I am married to one of the greatest guys I know. (I know my Daddy Dave would have loved this guy) I love him more than he knows. He is truly my soul mate. He believes in me the way few others ever have. He has given me a life that I wouldn't change for the world. Although his job sometimes takes him far from home he is always in my heart. There isn't a day that goes by I don't want to call and tell him something. I LOVE YOU!!
The three kids we have had are my world. I am so thankful I had the choice; my family or my country. I chose my children. They are my moon and my stars. They light up my darkest day. I don't know how I would live without them....life would sure be boring.
Allyson, the oldest, is SUPER smart and VERY serious. She is the oldest child to the tee. She likes to think she is in charge and loves her role as big sister. She is a very emotional and intuitive child. She loves books and loves to sing and dance. She has a humorous streak that she keeps hidden, but when she shows it she will have you in stitches.
Abigail, the classic middle child!! This is my DREAMER, there is nothing to far fetched for her. She enjoys the parties in her head where they dance and eat cheese and crackers.....She is the peanut. Always happy, except when she is MAD!! Oh boy she has a temper!! LOL She marches to the beat of her own drum. She has truly taught me the meaning of patience.
Anthony, the baby....what more is there to say?? He is a charmer and has yet to meet a stranger. He will talk to anyone that speaks to him. He is cuddly and loving. Smothered in love by everyone that knows him, especially his big sisters. He loves his "Poop" (his pooh bear, he calls him "poop") LOL and his binky.
Allyson and Abigail are my stars.....they twinkle and shine with their huge personalities. Anthony is my moon he is a bright light all of the time. Amazing how kids can fill up your life. I truly could not imagine how my life would be as anything other than a wife and mother. My husband and children fill up everything I do.
The man I married has one awesome family. They have their quirks but, I couldn't have better in laws!! All of them are VERY special to me. My mother and father in law, for sharing their experiences and showing us that we can get through it all. For being there every time I call. For sharing their AMAZING son with me. My mother in law...for being there to catch the tears on the bad days and share the smiles on the good days. My brothers and sister for being there to hang out. I wish we could all be a little bit closer.... Linda and Troy for every time I call and you are there. For listening and being another shoulder to lean on. For just being there....Amy, Angie and Bret thank you for sharing your mom and dad with us, you guys are very lucky to have the parents you do. To Granny...she will get me if she ever reads this...LOL I miss you!! I love you as if I was born into this family. There is so much to say about you that I just can't put into words...take care of you...I will see you soon!!!
As 2010 kicks into high gear I look forward to the next 10 years. I am sure it will be another awesome ride......the highs and lows.......the every days and the once in a blue moons. I count my blessings and all I ask is that everyone I love be kept safe and may they be as blessed as I am....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)