and so it seems Christmas Eve is upon us....As I listen to the sounds of an afternoon nap, I am amazed by the people that surround me. My husband, whom I am so happy is home safe and sound this year, an amazing man! A man's man! The kind of guy you only read about, at least that is what he is to me! My best friend and companion, my life would truly be dull without him! I am very blessed that he has chosen to spend his life with me! The three little lives that have been given to us are truly gifts from God. They have shown us how to see the world with the eyes of a child! There is so much to discover and every day is a new adventure. I am thankful for their health and their curiosity. They have given me to many gifts to list! They are amazing people and I look forward to seeing them become wonderful adults!
The friends that God has placed within our path are also another great gift. Unfortunately our nomadic lives keep us away from a good portion of them. I hope they all know how much they mean to our family! They give us the strength and inspiration to remain on this Army Life path! Merry Christmas to all of you and may the New Year bring peace to your lives!
Our extended family, how we wish we could spend everyday with all of you!!! Especially our parents! I hope when my children are grown that they think of me as I think of my mom. She is truly my hero, without her life would be so much rockier. She is my guiding light! My mom has always been there when I have truly needed her. Sometimes with a hug and sometimes with the hard truth! Mom I love you and I will see you on Sunday!
To my brothers and sisters in harms way, know that you and your families are in our thoughts and prayers! May your Christmas pass uneventfully and may you find yourself home and safe in the year to come!
May we all find a way to leave a positive mark on someone else's life. At times I think we forget that the world is not ours alone. Help someone when you can. Life is to short to be unkind!
Merry Christmas to all that we love!! May next year find you happy and healthy!
FELIZ NAVIDAD y PROSPERO ANO!!! :)
Daisypath Friendship tickers
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I am thankful for......
There are so many things in life that we take for granted. TIME being one of them. Time is a relative term though. When you are waiting, all you have is time. When you are in a hurry, you have no time. Who has the time? What is the time? Where did the time go? Will time ever slow down? Can time move any slower?
As I think about how fast this year has gone by I wonder, what am I thankful for? Yes, I am thankful for my family. Most of all, I am thankful for the time we have together as a family. Since Allen spent half of this year in a foreign country this year's holidays mean that much more. Another year of firsts has us learning the hard knocks of parenting together, again. Which makes the journey through kindergarten that much easier, for both Allyson and me. LOL Watching my baby girl grow up gets harder by the day. Yes there are some days I wonder, who is this kid and why oh why is she calling me mother?? (she calls me mother to annoy me!!!)
I am thankful for the people that have wandered into my life, even for the briefest of moments. June 25 was a day that was the most beautiful and painful of all my life to this point. Seeing new life and the innocence it carries is beautiful. Watching as that life is taken back to the Lord, is the most painful, heart wrenching, and life altering event anyone could experience. I am not thankful that this precious angel was taken from us. I am thankful that I was blessed to be a part of her life, regardless of how short. I am thankful that I had the strength her mother needed to be there in her time of need. I am thankful for the strength of my husband who stood beside me and held me when I cried!
I am thankful that my own children are happy and healthy!
Above all I am thankful for the time I have been given. The time to love. The time to laugh. The time to live.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
To my brothers and sisters in harms way: Stay safe!! I hope your Thanksgiving holiday passes without incident and that all of you return home safely!!
As I think about how fast this year has gone by I wonder, what am I thankful for? Yes, I am thankful for my family. Most of all, I am thankful for the time we have together as a family. Since Allen spent half of this year in a foreign country this year's holidays mean that much more. Another year of firsts has us learning the hard knocks of parenting together, again. Which makes the journey through kindergarten that much easier, for both Allyson and me. LOL Watching my baby girl grow up gets harder by the day. Yes there are some days I wonder, who is this kid and why oh why is she calling me mother?? (she calls me mother to annoy me!!!)
I am thankful for the people that have wandered into my life, even for the briefest of moments. June 25 was a day that was the most beautiful and painful of all my life to this point. Seeing new life and the innocence it carries is beautiful. Watching as that life is taken back to the Lord, is the most painful, heart wrenching, and life altering event anyone could experience. I am not thankful that this precious angel was taken from us. I am thankful that I was blessed to be a part of her life, regardless of how short. I am thankful that I had the strength her mother needed to be there in her time of need. I am thankful for the strength of my husband who stood beside me and held me when I cried!
I am thankful that my own children are happy and healthy!
Above all I am thankful for the time I have been given. The time to love. The time to laugh. The time to live.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
To my brothers and sisters in harms way: Stay safe!! I hope your Thanksgiving holiday passes without incident and that all of you return home safely!!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Mirror mirror on the wall......
wow I am his mistress after all.
Yes, that is me. Otherwise known, as Army wife. Contradictory, I know. Let's break it down. Girl meets boy, girl thinks boy is awesome because he looks HOT in BDU's. Boy and Girl fall in love..Girl says "I Do" Unfortunately Boy has already said, "I will" to the Army. It is not obvious when Girl says "I do" that "I will" has already been uttered. Boy makes girl think she is his world!
Then reality hits.....3 children, 2 dogs, 3 pcs moves, 2 deployments, hundreds of TDY's later, girl realizes that yes she is in fact the mistress and boy is married to the Army.
While some of you might see this as a bitch and complain story, I think most anyone that reads it will completely understand.....
90 days home and we hit a wall. Not a physical wall that causes damage that you can see. We have hit an emotional wall, a wall that slowly takes the will to try away. Not because no one wants to go over the wall but because neither boy nor girl know what to do to get over the wall. Do they break it down? Do they climb over it? Do they ignore it?? Who the hell knows...
All I know is that it seems like boy is some where else entirely. Not really home but not really gone. Oh sure he goes through the motions, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.
How does girl get boy to see that something is off? Without nagging or yelling or demanding? When boy got home from Iraq there were definite signs that boy was still adjusting to life at home. 15 months is a long time to live away from your family, we adjusted and we found our way. Just when things hit a smooth patch we had to move. Then came another deployment. Now here we are trying to figure out how to get over this wall.
Girl doesn't want boy to cook or clean or handle ALL of the domestic chores. All girl wants is for boy to make her his priority every once in awhile. So that she remembers what it is about him she finds so irresistable....TIME....yup that is what she wants. She wants boy to MAKE time for her in his life. To listen to what she has to say and really hear and understand where Girl is....I guess we will get there at some point...it is just taking longer to figure out how to destroy the damn wall....
until next time.......................
Yes, that is me. Otherwise known, as Army wife. Contradictory, I know. Let's break it down. Girl meets boy, girl thinks boy is awesome because he looks HOT in BDU's. Boy and Girl fall in love..Girl says "I Do" Unfortunately Boy has already said, "I will" to the Army. It is not obvious when Girl says "I do" that "I will" has already been uttered. Boy makes girl think she is his world!
Then reality hits.....3 children, 2 dogs, 3 pcs moves, 2 deployments, hundreds of TDY's later, girl realizes that yes she is in fact the mistress and boy is married to the Army.
While some of you might see this as a bitch and complain story, I think most anyone that reads it will completely understand.....
90 days home and we hit a wall. Not a physical wall that causes damage that you can see. We have hit an emotional wall, a wall that slowly takes the will to try away. Not because no one wants to go over the wall but because neither boy nor girl know what to do to get over the wall. Do they break it down? Do they climb over it? Do they ignore it?? Who the hell knows...
All I know is that it seems like boy is some where else entirely. Not really home but not really gone. Oh sure he goes through the motions, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.
How does girl get boy to see that something is off? Without nagging or yelling or demanding? When boy got home from Iraq there were definite signs that boy was still adjusting to life at home. 15 months is a long time to live away from your family, we adjusted and we found our way. Just when things hit a smooth patch we had to move. Then came another deployment. Now here we are trying to figure out how to get over this wall.
Girl doesn't want boy to cook or clean or handle ALL of the domestic chores. All girl wants is for boy to make her his priority every once in awhile. So that she remembers what it is about him she finds so irresistable....TIME....yup that is what she wants. She wants boy to MAKE time for her in his life. To listen to what she has to say and really hear and understand where Girl is....I guess we will get there at some point...it is just taking longer to figure out how to destroy the damn wall....
until next time.......................
Friday, August 20, 2010
Are you my father??
One day this summer my sister and I were strolling through the store when we came across the Dr Seuss book "Are you my mother?" We laughed and talked about our mother, one of the greatest women we know. She has been my rock and my shoulder for more my entire life. Even when I would get mad and blame life circumstances on her, she took the abuse and loved me everyday. She took the blame that I put on her shoulders and showed me how to be a good person, how to be responsible. She taught me life skills and lessons that can only be taught with an open heart and a strong will.
It makes me wonder how different my life would be had my father stuck around. I don't know why they got divorced, I really don't want to know. All I know is that you lose a certain part of you when the man that is supposed to be your example of who to choose as your mate, chooses to walk away and never look back. My father left when I was 5, from then on he flitted in and out of my life to his convenience. We all know how hard it is to travel with a family, and his "new" family was growing. I hated him for several miserable years, not like you hate someone for doing you wrong. I hated him for all he had taken from me. I would never attend a father/daughter dance. My father would never walk me down the aisle. My father would never bounce my children, his grandchildren on his knee. One day I thought about it...I didn't make him leave. No, my mom and him couldn't be in the same room together without tension growing so thick you could cut it with a knife. But he never fought for me either, he never declared I was his child and he would be a part of my life come hell or high water. No he walked away and then let me walk away. I went to live with him and his family I was probably 13. I knew it all and my mom was crazy, I was hell bent on proving that my father was the man that I had on a pedestal and she knew nothing. How wrong I was. Here I am believing with every ounce of my being that the grass is a whole lot greener on the other side. It might have been, had someone cared long enough to water it. Maybe it is all in my mind, but here is what I remember of that summer....long days alone with my sister and her sister. Which was fine, the three of us got along great. Until I found myself alone, their grandma would pick them up to go shopping and leave me behind. They lived on a long country road in MT, I had no way of making friends and I had left all my friends in NM. I was lonely and sad and no one cared, at least it seemed to me. So I did what any kid my age would do, I cried for my mom.
I know my father didn't want to take me home...heaven forbid...he might actually have to pay child support!! Imagine that! I remember calling my Daddy Dave, I think I called him on a Friday..I was home the next Wednesday. To this day I have no idea what my Grandfather told my father, all I know is I got home, where I belonged.
After that..communication with my father ceased to exist. He let me walk away, instead of making me part of his life, he let me go. He didn't fight, he didn't demand that I stay, he didn't even ask...he just let me go. and I hated him for it! For years I carried the weight of hate around with me.
Until now, I don't hate him and I don't pity him. I am so very thankful to the people that have cared enough about me to make me a part of their lives! I thank God every day for the greatest gift of my life, my Mother! She has been there for every milestone in my life! From the day I was born, to my wedding and the births of my children. She gets to see who I have become as a person, she gets to be a part of my children's lives, and better yet we get to be friends! We get to see love and life together as adults, and he misses that. He made a choice, he left.
I have attempted to rebuild that bridge that the both of us tore down....but it takes two. I have done my part. I have forgiven him for leaving, I have forgiven the empty promises and the broken dreams. I have moved on. Apparently he has not, he is still content to sit back and not be a part of my life....and finally I am ok with that!!!
It makes me wonder how different my life would be had my father stuck around. I don't know why they got divorced, I really don't want to know. All I know is that you lose a certain part of you when the man that is supposed to be your example of who to choose as your mate, chooses to walk away and never look back. My father left when I was 5, from then on he flitted in and out of my life to his convenience. We all know how hard it is to travel with a family, and his "new" family was growing. I hated him for several miserable years, not like you hate someone for doing you wrong. I hated him for all he had taken from me. I would never attend a father/daughter dance. My father would never walk me down the aisle. My father would never bounce my children, his grandchildren on his knee. One day I thought about it...I didn't make him leave. No, my mom and him couldn't be in the same room together without tension growing so thick you could cut it with a knife. But he never fought for me either, he never declared I was his child and he would be a part of my life come hell or high water. No he walked away and then let me walk away. I went to live with him and his family I was probably 13. I knew it all and my mom was crazy, I was hell bent on proving that my father was the man that I had on a pedestal and she knew nothing. How wrong I was. Here I am believing with every ounce of my being that the grass is a whole lot greener on the other side. It might have been, had someone cared long enough to water it. Maybe it is all in my mind, but here is what I remember of that summer....long days alone with my sister and her sister. Which was fine, the three of us got along great. Until I found myself alone, their grandma would pick them up to go shopping and leave me behind. They lived on a long country road in MT, I had no way of making friends and I had left all my friends in NM. I was lonely and sad and no one cared, at least it seemed to me. So I did what any kid my age would do, I cried for my mom.
I know my father didn't want to take me home...heaven forbid...he might actually have to pay child support!! Imagine that! I remember calling my Daddy Dave, I think I called him on a Friday..I was home the next Wednesday. To this day I have no idea what my Grandfather told my father, all I know is I got home, where I belonged.
After that..communication with my father ceased to exist. He let me walk away, instead of making me part of his life, he let me go. He didn't fight, he didn't demand that I stay, he didn't even ask...he just let me go. and I hated him for it! For years I carried the weight of hate around with me.
Until now, I don't hate him and I don't pity him. I am so very thankful to the people that have cared enough about me to make me a part of their lives! I thank God every day for the greatest gift of my life, my Mother! She has been there for every milestone in my life! From the day I was born, to my wedding and the births of my children. She gets to see who I have become as a person, she gets to be a part of my children's lives, and better yet we get to be friends! We get to see love and life together as adults, and he misses that. He made a choice, he left.
I have attempted to rebuild that bridge that the both of us tore down....but it takes two. I have done my part. I have forgiven him for leaving, I have forgiven the empty promises and the broken dreams. I have moved on. Apparently he has not, he is still content to sit back and not be a part of my life....and finally I am ok with that!!!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
All grown up!
I stand on the brink as you get closer to the edge. Everyday that passes you take a step closer. One day soon you will step off that edge to spread your wings and fly. My heart will soar with you as you find your way. Know that I will miss you but I will wait with a light on for your return.
This is not for my children. But for the child of my heart, my sister. She will be graduating high school in May. I am so proud of her and all she will do and all she has done. She has decided to join the United States Air Force. There is no prouder parent than I. I have seen her grow into a smart, beautiful and brave young woman. She will change the world!!
I knew this year would get here. A year of lasts and a year of firsts. I am just not prepared for what it does to my heart! If this is how I will feel when my own children begin their wonderful journey into life, I don't know that I will ever be prepared. Yet, here we are (my mom and I), since I have had a hand in raising her. Maybe not as much as I would have liked, but hopefully I have been able to show this beautiful person that there is a world of possibilities out there!! The world is at her fingertips. She will continue to grow and learn and I know in my heart of hearts we will always be together, no matter where she roams!! So here's to you, Ashlie, on your year of lasts and firsts!! and remember if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, or a hug to keep you strong I am no more than a phone call away!! I love you and I am so very proud of you!!
This is not for my children. But for the child of my heart, my sister. She will be graduating high school in May. I am so proud of her and all she will do and all she has done. She has decided to join the United States Air Force. There is no prouder parent than I. I have seen her grow into a smart, beautiful and brave young woman. She will change the world!!
I knew this year would get here. A year of lasts and a year of firsts. I am just not prepared for what it does to my heart! If this is how I will feel when my own children begin their wonderful journey into life, I don't know that I will ever be prepared. Yet, here we are (my mom and I), since I have had a hand in raising her. Maybe not as much as I would have liked, but hopefully I have been able to show this beautiful person that there is a world of possibilities out there!! The world is at her fingertips. She will continue to grow and learn and I know in my heart of hearts we will always be together, no matter where she roams!! So here's to you, Ashlie, on your year of lasts and firsts!! and remember if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, or a hug to keep you strong I am no more than a phone call away!! I love you and I am so very proud of you!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
time.....
Time is a relative term. Time flies, time slows, time speeds by......
I have always thought of a lifetime as being great lengths of time. Reality is, a lifetime can be seconds of time, minutes, maybe even hours. I came to this conclusion on probably the worst day of my life. I know others hold this day as the very worst of theirs too. What started as a phone call to wish congratulations turned into a week of learning and finding new appreciation for the value of time and life. June 25 was a day of joy DG graced us with her tiny appearance and continued her battle to live. Unfortunately her little body was just not strong enough to withstand all the complications. June 26 is a day filled with sorrow and grief. Even though DG was not my child by birth my heart aches that I will never see her grow, I will never hear her laugh, or even know what color her eyes were. Yet, I know she is in a place where there is no pain and no suffering. I don't know all the reasons she was sent. But I do know that my family is blessed beyond reason to be who we are. We may not see eye to eye on everything but when the goings get tough we are there to support each other. These are the words I wrote for DG's momma the day we buried our precious Angel.
The blessing of a child can only be called a miracle. The loss of a child can only be called a tragedy. There are no words or reasons that can fill the emptiness that losing you has created. Yet, in your short life you managed to do what most strive for on a daily basis. You moved mountains with your strength and filled oceans with your love. We do not mourn because you were taken from us, we mourn because we were not taken with you. All we ask of you sweet angel, is that you smile down on us from the Kingdom of Heaven to the path of love so that we may be together again some day.
There really are no words to diminish the pain of losing a child. I grieve everyday for this baby, I know I will never heal from this wound. Right now it is about learning to live with the ache.......
I have always thought of a lifetime as being great lengths of time. Reality is, a lifetime can be seconds of time, minutes, maybe even hours. I came to this conclusion on probably the worst day of my life. I know others hold this day as the very worst of theirs too. What started as a phone call to wish congratulations turned into a week of learning and finding new appreciation for the value of time and life. June 25 was a day of joy DG graced us with her tiny appearance and continued her battle to live. Unfortunately her little body was just not strong enough to withstand all the complications. June 26 is a day filled with sorrow and grief. Even though DG was not my child by birth my heart aches that I will never see her grow, I will never hear her laugh, or even know what color her eyes were. Yet, I know she is in a place where there is no pain and no suffering. I don't know all the reasons she was sent. But I do know that my family is blessed beyond reason to be who we are. We may not see eye to eye on everything but when the goings get tough we are there to support each other. These are the words I wrote for DG's momma the day we buried our precious Angel.
The blessing of a child can only be called a miracle. The loss of a child can only be called a tragedy. There are no words or reasons that can fill the emptiness that losing you has created. Yet, in your short life you managed to do what most strive for on a daily basis. You moved mountains with your strength and filled oceans with your love. We do not mourn because you were taken from us, we mourn because we were not taken with you. All we ask of you sweet angel, is that you smile down on us from the Kingdom of Heaven to the path of love so that we may be together again some day.
There really are no words to diminish the pain of losing a child. I grieve everyday for this baby, I know I will never heal from this wound. Right now it is about learning to live with the ache.......
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Memorial Day
I know dear friends that some time has passed since I have posted...Let's catch up...
Between the last few weeks of school and preparing for Allen's homecoming life has been a series of chaotic events.
Now as Memorial Day weekend slowly passes I find myself reflecting on the meaning of freedom. I am truly blessed to be able to spend Memorial Day with my Soldier home and safe from harm. Yet while he is home others hold the gate so that we may continue to be free....They stand up so others can remain sitting. They protect our traditions and our way of life. I have been around the world and I have seen just how good we have it in the United States. No, everyone may not drive a fancy car or live in a mansion. But we all have the opportunity to be who and what we want to be, without fear and without persecution. These freedoms were not given to us, they were paid for. Paid for with blood, sweat and tears of the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines that sacrificed their lives so that we may continue to be free. So that hopefully, one day our children will never know war.
My brothers and sisters in arms will never be forgotten, their sacrifice will not be in vain, they will be remembered always in the hearts of those that remain free.
Thank you is such a small acknowledgement of the sacrifices our military members make. To those that still serve.....THANK YOU!! To those that walked before us THANK YOU!! To those that will come after us...THANK YOU!! To those that have laid their lives down so that my children can be free under a flag that they believe in...THANK YOU!!!!
Monday May 31 @ 1500 please observe a moment of silence for those that have given their lives. Say a prayer for them and the families they left behind. For the families are the bearers of grief. The fallen have passed the torch of freedom to the living...let's not let their deaths be in vain. Honor them and remember them for they are the reason the Stars and Stripes fly today.
TAPS
by: Major General Daniel Butterfield
Day is done...
Gone the sun
From the lake...
From the hills...
From the sky.
All is well...
Safely rest
God is nigh.
Fading light....
Dims the sight
And a star....
Gems the sky....
Gleaming bright
From afar....
Drawing nigh
Falls the night.
Between the last few weeks of school and preparing for Allen's homecoming life has been a series of chaotic events.
Now as Memorial Day weekend slowly passes I find myself reflecting on the meaning of freedom. I am truly blessed to be able to spend Memorial Day with my Soldier home and safe from harm. Yet while he is home others hold the gate so that we may continue to be free....They stand up so others can remain sitting. They protect our traditions and our way of life. I have been around the world and I have seen just how good we have it in the United States. No, everyone may not drive a fancy car or live in a mansion. But we all have the opportunity to be who and what we want to be, without fear and without persecution. These freedoms were not given to us, they were paid for. Paid for with blood, sweat and tears of the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines that sacrificed their lives so that we may continue to be free. So that hopefully, one day our children will never know war.
My brothers and sisters in arms will never be forgotten, their sacrifice will not be in vain, they will be remembered always in the hearts of those that remain free.
Thank you is such a small acknowledgement of the sacrifices our military members make. To those that still serve.....THANK YOU!! To those that walked before us THANK YOU!! To those that will come after us...THANK YOU!! To those that have laid their lives down so that my children can be free under a flag that they believe in...THANK YOU!!!!
Monday May 31 @ 1500 please observe a moment of silence for those that have given their lives. Say a prayer for them and the families they left behind. For the families are the bearers of grief. The fallen have passed the torch of freedom to the living...let's not let their deaths be in vain. Honor them and remember them for they are the reason the Stars and Stripes fly today.
TAPS
by: Major General Daniel Butterfield
Day is done...
Gone the sun
From the lake...
From the hills...
From the sky.
All is well...
Safely rest
God is nigh.
Fading light....
Dims the sight
And a star....
Gems the sky....
Gleaming bright
From afar....
Drawing nigh
Falls the night.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Time sure has a way of passing by......
I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything. Life continues to be crazy as the countdown continues on its downward spiral.
Lots has gone on in the month of March and the first weeks of April. Anthony continues to have ear infections and a runny nose. He has seen the Ear Nose and Throat Dr on several occasions. It has been determined that the best way to stop the constant infections is to remove the adenoids and tonsils, the Dr will also put tubes in both ears to release the fluid that has accumulated with each infection. Thankfully this will not be done until after Allen has returned home.
Abigail continues to be her funny, silly self. She loves her gymnastics class as well as her water safety class. She is getting taller but refuses to put on any bulk!! Anthony will be bigger than she is by the end of the year!
Allyson....well she is Allyson. Truly her mother's child. As moody and anti social as they come!! haha She is highly intelligent and can hardly wait to start school. She tested into Soaring Eagles Elementary, it has an accelerated learning program. I hope it is everything I have read about and then some. She is very excited about starting school, a little upset that she won't be riding a bus to school. We will have to drive her, since the school is not our "home school."
As for me.....I am here. Trying to get through school and trying to deal with Allen being gone. At some point you would think this would get easier. This isn't the first time we have been apart, nor will it be the last. Yet, after all this time it is still hard. Days are easy to get through, between the kids, college, the dogs and housework I can fill a day and never think twice. The worst are evenings, nights, and mornings....you spend your quiet time alone, you go to bed alone and in the morning you wake up alone. Through it all you wait. You wait for a phone call, an email, or a date of when they "might" be home. You hang onto the moments you get; the sound of him laughing on the phone, the way he says "I love you" before he hangs up the phone. Still you wait....
You watch your babies do things you know would make him laugh. You cook his favorite meals...because you like them too. You sleep in his t-shirt since it makes you feel close to him. You mess up his side of the bed just so it doesn't look so lonely.
People look and wonder how I, as an Army wife, keep it all together. The truth is....I don't know. I just do. I am not the only one that manages to keep things in order. There are days that I don't even want to get out of bed. Not because I don't want to face the day. I just don't want to go to bed alone, again. But in the end, I get up, I put on a smile and I get through it. Everyday that passes is one day more that we are apart, but it is one day closer to when we will get to see each other again. We have managed to get through 173 days there are 23 days left on this roller coaster named, deployment. We will get through the next three weeks like we have gotten through all the ones that have passed, on faith and love.
I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything. Life continues to be crazy as the countdown continues on its downward spiral.
Lots has gone on in the month of March and the first weeks of April. Anthony continues to have ear infections and a runny nose. He has seen the Ear Nose and Throat Dr on several occasions. It has been determined that the best way to stop the constant infections is to remove the adenoids and tonsils, the Dr will also put tubes in both ears to release the fluid that has accumulated with each infection. Thankfully this will not be done until after Allen has returned home.
Abigail continues to be her funny, silly self. She loves her gymnastics class as well as her water safety class. She is getting taller but refuses to put on any bulk!! Anthony will be bigger than she is by the end of the year!
Allyson....well she is Allyson. Truly her mother's child. As moody and anti social as they come!! haha She is highly intelligent and can hardly wait to start school. She tested into Soaring Eagles Elementary, it has an accelerated learning program. I hope it is everything I have read about and then some. She is very excited about starting school, a little upset that she won't be riding a bus to school. We will have to drive her, since the school is not our "home school."
As for me.....I am here. Trying to get through school and trying to deal with Allen being gone. At some point you would think this would get easier. This isn't the first time we have been apart, nor will it be the last. Yet, after all this time it is still hard. Days are easy to get through, between the kids, college, the dogs and housework I can fill a day and never think twice. The worst are evenings, nights, and mornings....you spend your quiet time alone, you go to bed alone and in the morning you wake up alone. Through it all you wait. You wait for a phone call, an email, or a date of when they "might" be home. You hang onto the moments you get; the sound of him laughing on the phone, the way he says "I love you" before he hangs up the phone. Still you wait....
You watch your babies do things you know would make him laugh. You cook his favorite meals...because you like them too. You sleep in his t-shirt since it makes you feel close to him. You mess up his side of the bed just so it doesn't look so lonely.
People look and wonder how I, as an Army wife, keep it all together. The truth is....I don't know. I just do. I am not the only one that manages to keep things in order. There are days that I don't even want to get out of bed. Not because I don't want to face the day. I just don't want to go to bed alone, again. But in the end, I get up, I put on a smile and I get through it. Everyday that passes is one day more that we are apart, but it is one day closer to when we will get to see each other again. We have managed to get through 173 days there are 23 days left on this roller coaster named, deployment. We will get through the next three weeks like we have gotten through all the ones that have passed, on faith and love.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Did the phone ring??
WOW!! Another week from hell...what is the saying for March? In like a lion out like a lamb, in like a lamb out like a lion.... something like that...
The week started off good. I got to talk to the Soldier boy....which is always nice. Then it progressively got worse from there. The dogs decided the fence made a good snack. Then they realized if they chewed some more they could make a hole big enough to get in the neighbors back yard. They got through when the neighbors rat dogs were out.....so they almost had a snack!! LOL Ok ok so it isn't funny...**snicker** So Thursday after class I went down to Home Depot and bought the materials to start repairs on my fence. Managed to get 56 of the 60 fence boards put into place!! GO ME GO ME!! Good thing I know how to use a hammer. Of course it wasn't all fun and games. A few broken nails, a bump on the head (don't ask), and a few curse words that would have made a sailor blush!! LOL In the end it got done...now to figure out what to do with the scrap fencing.....Friday starts to look better....kind of but not really...it was all an illusion in my head. Friday was crappy.....then to add icing to the cake...the dogs make another hole in the fence............and they RUN all through the neighborhood. So instead of getting ready to go out with the girls, I am outside putting up more boards on the fence!! Finally made it out with the girls but I should have just gone to bed.
Saturday looks a little more promising....we had a family shopping day...basically I had to take EVERYONE to the mall...the girls needed a haircut. We got some laundry done and some house work knocked out. Then hit the mall. Girls got a haircut. Then we went shoe shopping...yay!!!
Sunday seems even better, still haven't heard from the Soldier.....**sigh** by this time I am a little bit upset. but I truck on.......then the last bit of straw gets put on the camels back....
The dogs make another hole in the wall. Which is lovely, since I am alone with three kids. I get Duke back in the house but Ginger decides to explore.
This is more than I can take.....
What is really frustrating and annoying is...............he HASN'T called!! Or emailed or sent smoke signals...nothing. Not like I can call him, or text him. I guess I could try smoke signals after all I have scrap fence to get rid of!! Oh I am so witty!! LOL I try to tell myself he is busy, his time is off, there isn't a phone, or a computer just to make the lack of communication easier. The rational side of me understands that there are things that are beyond the control of either of us. But dammit he could at least call!!!! or email!!!
So back to the fence....I can't just replace the pickets like I did on Thurs. I have to replace the crossbars...I am thankful for the two guys in my life that take on the honey do list. You guys have no idea how much you are appreciated. Thank you to JW and his beautiful family for sharing him with us. To NJ, you are a pretty great guy!! Thank you!!
Now part of the back of the fence is done....when payday hits...another section will be done.
Yet the frustration remains. The only thing that will ease that frustration is to hear the voice of the one you love. The one that understands that your tears are not weakness, they are strength. They are what keep you balanced and strong enough to get along without him.
The week started off good. I got to talk to the Soldier boy....which is always nice. Then it progressively got worse from there. The dogs decided the fence made a good snack. Then they realized if they chewed some more they could make a hole big enough to get in the neighbors back yard. They got through when the neighbors rat dogs were out.....so they almost had a snack!! LOL Ok ok so it isn't funny...**snicker** So Thursday after class I went down to Home Depot and bought the materials to start repairs on my fence. Managed to get 56 of the 60 fence boards put into place!! GO ME GO ME!! Good thing I know how to use a hammer. Of course it wasn't all fun and games. A few broken nails, a bump on the head (don't ask), and a few curse words that would have made a sailor blush!! LOL In the end it got done...now to figure out what to do with the scrap fencing.....Friday starts to look better....kind of but not really...it was all an illusion in my head. Friday was crappy.....then to add icing to the cake...the dogs make another hole in the fence............and they RUN all through the neighborhood. So instead of getting ready to go out with the girls, I am outside putting up more boards on the fence!! Finally made it out with the girls but I should have just gone to bed.
Saturday looks a little more promising....we had a family shopping day...basically I had to take EVERYONE to the mall...the girls needed a haircut. We got some laundry done and some house work knocked out. Then hit the mall. Girls got a haircut. Then we went shoe shopping...yay!!!
Sunday seems even better, still haven't heard from the Soldier.....**sigh** by this time I am a little bit upset. but I truck on.......then the last bit of straw gets put on the camels back....
The dogs make another hole in the wall. Which is lovely, since I am alone with three kids. I get Duke back in the house but Ginger decides to explore.
This is more than I can take.....
What is really frustrating and annoying is...............he HASN'T called!! Or emailed or sent smoke signals...nothing. Not like I can call him, or text him. I guess I could try smoke signals after all I have scrap fence to get rid of!! Oh I am so witty!! LOL I try to tell myself he is busy, his time is off, there isn't a phone, or a computer just to make the lack of communication easier. The rational side of me understands that there are things that are beyond the control of either of us. But dammit he could at least call!!!! or email!!!
So back to the fence....I can't just replace the pickets like I did on Thurs. I have to replace the crossbars...I am thankful for the two guys in my life that take on the honey do list. You guys have no idea how much you are appreciated. Thank you to JW and his beautiful family for sharing him with us. To NJ, you are a pretty great guy!! Thank you!!
Now part of the back of the fence is done....when payday hits...another section will be done.
Yet the frustration remains. The only thing that will ease that frustration is to hear the voice of the one you love. The one that understands that your tears are not weakness, they are strength. They are what keep you balanced and strong enough to get along without him.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Who are you again??
I was chatting with a friend today and we were venting about being MRS! Why you ask? Well it seems like it defines who we are but it doesn't tell people WHO we are. What we are capable of or the strength that we have in our spirits. Being Mrs Hughes is not a bad thing in my life. It is actually a pretty great thing. But sometimes I feel like my life is defined as MRS. I am not JUST a wife. I am an Army wife. I am strong. I am independent. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am my own person. I guess I just want people to see me as my own person. Everyday I am addressed by two titles, Mrs Hughes and Mom (in various forms) With the acquisition of those titles I sometimes feel like I have lost a part of myself. I feel like I have lost me. I wonder where I lost me.....let's take a look over the last few years of my life as Mrs Hughes....
Nov 03 - We get engaged
Jan 04 - We get married (yay!)
Feb 04 - Allen leaves Germany for NC for SFAS (special forces selection school)
Apr 04 - I leave Germany for Ft Leavenworth. I am 6 weeks pregnant.
Sep 04 - Allen leaves Germany for Ft Leavenworth. I am 7 1/2 mos pregnant.
Oct 04 - I get my discharge from the Army (kind of sad :( )
Nov 04 - Allyson is born
May 05 - We move from one house on post to another. Basically he moves the boxes I put everything away! LOL
Aug 05 - We are pregnant again....(wonder how that happened?!?!) LOL
Jan - Mar 06 - Allen is at Ft Leonard Wood, Mo for BNCOC
Apr 06 - Abigail is born
Aug - Oct 06 - The girls and I leave KS for TX. We stay with Grandma and Grandpa until Allen joins us
Jan 07 - I start college.
Feb 07 - We are pregnant again.....(now I really wonder what is going on!!) LOL
Apr 07 - our rent house floods....very lovely
May 07 - Allen leaves for Iraq..the start of a 15 month tour. The girls and I move to north TX to be close to family.
Sep 07 - Anthony is born. He spends a week in the NICU. Allen is home on leave.
Oct 07 - Allen is back in Iraq and we have 10 mos to go on this tour
Jan 08 - We move back to Ft Hood
Mar 08 - My grandfather dies. The kids and I fly to NM so I can attend his funeral. I don't know to many people that have flown with three children under the age of 5.
June 08 - Anthony has surgery to put tubes in his ears.
July 08 - Allen is home from Iraq
Jan 09 - We get orders to Ft Carson, Co. Report date 10 March. We get that changed. We don't have to be there until June
Apr 09 - I fly to Colorado Springs to find a house.
May 09 - I graduate from Central Texas College. We pack up the house and go on leave.
Jun 09 - FINALLY in our own house! LOL
Aug 09 - back to school for me! yippee!! family vacation to Hawaii
Sep 09 - Allen catches a plane to Afghanistan, we find out we get no R&R. We will do 9 mos without a break. We did 10 before we can get through this.
Abigail has a reaction to milk and we find she is lactose intolerant.
Oct 09 - Allyson falls down the stairs and sprains her neck.
Dec 09 - Allyson spends the week before Christmas in the hospital with a virus that has caused swelling of her internal organs.
Feb 10 - Anthony has had a double ear infection twice since the first week of Feb.
Of course this is just a quick list of what I can remember off the top of my head. Where did the me I know go? I look in the mirror and I see Mrs Hughes. The tight lipped Army wife who is mad because the Army made her change their plans, again. Mrs Hughes the volunteer that gets yelled at by another spouse because she said something she didn't like. Mrs Hughes that stands with her children as SSG Hughes walks away to get on an airplane. Mrs Hughes that takes a deep breath when the phone rings. Mommy that holds her babies extra close since Daddy is away. Mommy that cleans up everything. Mommy that makes Valentine cookies in Dec with the kids so they can get there by Valentine's Day. Mommy that stays awake all night because her baby is sick. Every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of Adrienne. She is standing next to her Soldier with their babies in front of them.
Nov 03 - We get engaged
Jan 04 - We get married (yay!)
Feb 04 - Allen leaves Germany for NC for SFAS (special forces selection school)
Apr 04 - I leave Germany for Ft Leavenworth. I am 6 weeks pregnant.
Sep 04 - Allen leaves Germany for Ft Leavenworth. I am 7 1/2 mos pregnant.
Oct 04 - I get my discharge from the Army (kind of sad :( )
Nov 04 - Allyson is born
May 05 - We move from one house on post to another. Basically he moves the boxes I put everything away! LOL
Aug 05 - We are pregnant again....(wonder how that happened?!?!) LOL
Jan - Mar 06 - Allen is at Ft Leonard Wood, Mo for BNCOC
Apr 06 - Abigail is born
Aug - Oct 06 - The girls and I leave KS for TX. We stay with Grandma and Grandpa until Allen joins us
Jan 07 - I start college.
Feb 07 - We are pregnant again.....(now I really wonder what is going on!!) LOL
Apr 07 - our rent house floods....very lovely
May 07 - Allen leaves for Iraq..the start of a 15 month tour. The girls and I move to north TX to be close to family.
Sep 07 - Anthony is born. He spends a week in the NICU. Allen is home on leave.
Oct 07 - Allen is back in Iraq and we have 10 mos to go on this tour
Jan 08 - We move back to Ft Hood
Mar 08 - My grandfather dies. The kids and I fly to NM so I can attend his funeral. I don't know to many people that have flown with three children under the age of 5.
June 08 - Anthony has surgery to put tubes in his ears.
July 08 - Allen is home from Iraq
Jan 09 - We get orders to Ft Carson, Co. Report date 10 March. We get that changed. We don't have to be there until June
Apr 09 - I fly to Colorado Springs to find a house.
May 09 - I graduate from Central Texas College. We pack up the house and go on leave.
Jun 09 - FINALLY in our own house! LOL
Aug 09 - back to school for me! yippee!! family vacation to Hawaii
Sep 09 - Allen catches a plane to Afghanistan, we find out we get no R&R. We will do 9 mos without a break. We did 10 before we can get through this.
Abigail has a reaction to milk and we find she is lactose intolerant.
Oct 09 - Allyson falls down the stairs and sprains her neck.
Dec 09 - Allyson spends the week before Christmas in the hospital with a virus that has caused swelling of her internal organs.
Feb 10 - Anthony has had a double ear infection twice since the first week of Feb.
Of course this is just a quick list of what I can remember off the top of my head. Where did the me I know go? I look in the mirror and I see Mrs Hughes. The tight lipped Army wife who is mad because the Army made her change their plans, again. Mrs Hughes the volunteer that gets yelled at by another spouse because she said something she didn't like. Mrs Hughes that stands with her children as SSG Hughes walks away to get on an airplane. Mrs Hughes that takes a deep breath when the phone rings. Mommy that holds her babies extra close since Daddy is away. Mommy that cleans up everything. Mommy that makes Valentine cookies in Dec with the kids so they can get there by Valentine's Day. Mommy that stays awake all night because her baby is sick. Every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of Adrienne. She is standing next to her Soldier with their babies in front of them.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Military Wife
This was posted by a fellow Army Wife. I thought I would share.
Military Wife
Lots of moving...
Moving...
Moving...
Moving far from home...
Moving two cars, three kids and one dog...all riding with HER of course.
Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house;
Moving curtains that won't fit;
Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours.
Moving away from friends;
Moving toward new friends;
Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories.
Often waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting for housing.
Waiting for orders.
Waiting for deployments.
Waiting for phone calls.
Waiting for reunions.
Waiting for the new curtains to arrive.
Waiting for him to come home,
For dinner...AGAIN!
They call her 'Military Dependent', but she knows better:
She is fiercely In-Dependent.
She can balance a check book;
Handle the yard work;
Fix a noisy toilet;
Bury the family pet...
She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes;
Sell a house;
Buy a car;
Or set up a move...
.....all with ONE Power of Attorney.
She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her.
She reinvents her career with every PCS;
Locates a house in the desert, The Arctic, Or the deep south.
And learns to call them all 'home'.
She MAKES them all home.
Military Wives are somewhat hasty...
They leap into:
Decorating,
Leadership,
Volunteering,
Career alternatives,
Churches,
And friendships.
They don't have 15 years to get to know people.
Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.
Military Wives quickly learn to value each other:
They connect over coffee,
Rely on the spouse network,
Accept offers of friendship and favors.
Record addresses in pencil...
Military Wives have a common bond:
The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique.
He doesn't have a 'JOB'
He has a ' MISSION ' that he can't just decide to quit...
He's on-call for his country 24/7.
But for her, he's the most unreliable guy in town!
His language is foreign
TDY
PCS
OPR
SOS
ACC
BDU
ACU
BAR
CIB
TAD
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.
She is the long- distance link to keep them informed;
the glue that holds them together.
A Military Wife has her moments:
She wants to wring his neck;
Dye his uniform pink;
Refuse to move to Siberia ;
But she pulls herself together.
Give her a few days,
A travel brochure,
A long hot bath,
A pledge to the flag,
A wedding picture,
And she goes.
She packs.
She moves.
She follows.
Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.
But actually it is because she has lost her heart.
It was stolen from her by a man,
Who puts duty first,
Who longs to deploy,
Who salutes the flag,
And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband,
She will remain his military wife.
And would have it no other way.
--Author Unknown
Military Wife
Lots of moving...
Moving...
Moving...
Moving far from home...
Moving two cars, three kids and one dog...all riding with HER of course.
Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house;
Moving curtains that won't fit;
Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours.
Moving away from friends;
Moving toward new friends;
Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories.
Often waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting for housing.
Waiting for orders.
Waiting for deployments.
Waiting for phone calls.
Waiting for reunions.
Waiting for the new curtains to arrive.
Waiting for him to come home,
For dinner...AGAIN!
They call her 'Military Dependent', but she knows better:
She is fiercely In-Dependent.
She can balance a check book;
Handle the yard work;
Fix a noisy toilet;
Bury the family pet...
She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes;
Sell a house;
Buy a car;
Or set up a move...
.....all with ONE Power of Attorney.
She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her.
She reinvents her career with every PCS;
Locates a house in the desert, The Arctic, Or the deep south.
And learns to call them all 'home'.
She MAKES them all home.
Military Wives are somewhat hasty...
They leap into:
Decorating,
Leadership,
Volunteering,
Career alternatives,
Churches,
And friendships.
They don't have 15 years to get to know people.
Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.
Military Wives quickly learn to value each other:
They connect over coffee,
Rely on the spouse network,
Accept offers of friendship and favors.
Record addresses in pencil...
Military Wives have a common bond:
The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique.
He doesn't have a 'JOB'
He has a ' MISSION ' that he can't just decide to quit...
He's on-call for his country 24/7.
But for her, he's the most unreliable guy in town!
His language is foreign
TDY
PCS
OPR
SOS
ACC
BDU
ACU
BAR
CIB
TAD
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.
She is the long- distance link to keep them informed;
the glue that holds them together.
A Military Wife has her moments:
She wants to wring his neck;
Dye his uniform pink;
Refuse to move to Siberia ;
But she pulls herself together.
Give her a few days,
A travel brochure,
A long hot bath,
A pledge to the flag,
A wedding picture,
And she goes.
She packs.
She moves.
She follows.
Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.
But actually it is because she has lost her heart.
It was stolen from her by a man,
Who puts duty first,
Who longs to deploy,
Who salutes the flag,
And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband,
She will remain his military wife.
And would have it no other way.
--Author Unknown
Friday, February 5, 2010
hmmmmm......
Another day has come and gone......wow where does the time go?? Can anyone tell me?? I look at the calendar and it says it is February....yesterday it was Sept.......I know it was, yet today it is February....wow. I look at the day and I am truly thankful, thankful that I have gotten another day. Another day to kiss my babies, another day for them to make me laugh, another day to get a hug from them.
While the nights are lonely without Allen, my days are full of life. Filled with friends and things to do. I don't know how it all gets done but it does, maybe not immediately but it gets done. There are times when I stop and think to myself......why do I do this? The kids don't really care whether the floor is clean and the dust is done...all they care is that their momma loves them. I look at them and nothing else matters. They light up life more than the brightest light ever could. It makes me sad that I get to see how bright they are everyday and all Allen gets are pieces of our days. Moments in time. We live for our weekend phone calls, sometimes the kids talk his ear off and sometimes they don't. They think of him all the time though, they ask for him, they talk about him, they want him home as much as he wants to be home. One day at a time we get closer to that day.....and it gives me butterflies thinking about what it will be like to have him close again. **sigh**
I saw the movie "Dear John" today, I thought it would make me sadder then it did. I don't think it caught me as off guard as I thought it would. There is a scene and they are saying good bye at the airport. John is returning to Germany, there are tears of sadness. Maybe it was because I have been there. I have been the one standing alone until I couldn't see him anymore and I have stood there more than once. I didn't find it all that sad....I guess because I almost understand the inner turmoil that John faced when deciding what to do after 9/11.
9/11 found me as a Private stationed at Camp Humphrey's, Korea. I know if I had been at a point of getting out, I would have signed the papers to stay in. There would have been no question. That comes from my without a doubt belief that we truly are the free world. That our way of life is to be coveted and fought for. Maybe it wasn't that sad because I understand why my husband does what he does and I love him for it. As a former Soldier I know how hard it is to choose between two things you fundamentally believe in....Family or Country. I am thankful that I had the option to choose my family over my country. Given another chance I would make the same choice over again.
While the nights are lonely without Allen, my days are full of life. Filled with friends and things to do. I don't know how it all gets done but it does, maybe not immediately but it gets done. There are times when I stop and think to myself......why do I do this? The kids don't really care whether the floor is clean and the dust is done...all they care is that their momma loves them. I look at them and nothing else matters. They light up life more than the brightest light ever could. It makes me sad that I get to see how bright they are everyday and all Allen gets are pieces of our days. Moments in time. We live for our weekend phone calls, sometimes the kids talk his ear off and sometimes they don't. They think of him all the time though, they ask for him, they talk about him, they want him home as much as he wants to be home. One day at a time we get closer to that day.....and it gives me butterflies thinking about what it will be like to have him close again. **sigh**
I saw the movie "Dear John" today, I thought it would make me sadder then it did. I don't think it caught me as off guard as I thought it would. There is a scene and they are saying good bye at the airport. John is returning to Germany, there are tears of sadness. Maybe it was because I have been there. I have been the one standing alone until I couldn't see him anymore and I have stood there more than once. I didn't find it all that sad....I guess because I almost understand the inner turmoil that John faced when deciding what to do after 9/11.
9/11 found me as a Private stationed at Camp Humphrey's, Korea. I know if I had been at a point of getting out, I would have signed the papers to stay in. There would have been no question. That comes from my without a doubt belief that we truly are the free world. That our way of life is to be coveted and fought for. Maybe it wasn't that sad because I understand why my husband does what he does and I love him for it. As a former Soldier I know how hard it is to choose between two things you fundamentally believe in....Family or Country. I am thankful that I had the option to choose my family over my country. Given another chance I would make the same choice over again.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
What is envy?
Is it envy? Is it jealousy? I don't know what it is.......................all I know is that I feel guilty for having the thoughts that I do.
I get up everyday, I dress the kids, I take them to daycare, I get to school, I pick them up, I get them fed, I get them bathed, and I get them to bed. In the midst of all this there is laundry, housework, homework, dogs to be fed, groceries to be bought, bills to be paid, sick kids to comfort....and I do it everyday. In the background there is the silent pleading with the phone...ring and be him.....ring and be him.....ring and be him......
Then the phone rings and all you can do is sigh, it's him...he's safe......he's alive......he's well. All he tells you is that he is bored and that they can't decide which movie to watch on their shift. And you think..."he's ok, that is all that matters" "HE'S ALIVE!!"
Then you get off the phone and reality hits all over......he is in a combat zone bored (which is a good thing) and you are home........with EVERY responsibility BOTH of you are supposed to shoulder. Yet he is somewhere in the world BORED!! and you are home, with all the worry and the responsibility. And you can't help but think.....When do I get a break?? When does it get better? When does it get easier to deal with? When does it get to the point that you can deal with him being so far from home? Does it ever get easier?
What makes it worse? The fact that you are all alone? Or that it seems like he gets to only be responsible for himself??
Who the hell knows...all I know is that May can't get here soon enough.......
I get up everyday, I dress the kids, I take them to daycare, I get to school, I pick them up, I get them fed, I get them bathed, and I get them to bed. In the midst of all this there is laundry, housework, homework, dogs to be fed, groceries to be bought, bills to be paid, sick kids to comfort....and I do it everyday. In the background there is the silent pleading with the phone...ring and be him.....ring and be him.....ring and be him......
Then the phone rings and all you can do is sigh, it's him...he's safe......he's alive......he's well. All he tells you is that he is bored and that they can't decide which movie to watch on their shift. And you think..."he's ok, that is all that matters" "HE'S ALIVE!!"
Then you get off the phone and reality hits all over......he is in a combat zone bored (which is a good thing) and you are home........with EVERY responsibility BOTH of you are supposed to shoulder. Yet he is somewhere in the world BORED!! and you are home, with all the worry and the responsibility. And you can't help but think.....When do I get a break?? When does it get better? When does it get easier to deal with? When does it get to the point that you can deal with him being so far from home? Does it ever get easier?
What makes it worse? The fact that you are all alone? Or that it seems like he gets to only be responsible for himself??
Who the hell knows...all I know is that May can't get here soon enough.......
Saturday, January 30, 2010
This I believe........
This is an essay required for my ENGL composition class. Thought I would share............
I believe in angels. I believe there are angels you can see and those you can not. I believe there are angels you can touch and those that touch you. I do not say this lightly, I have always believed in a higher power. I was not totally convinced that angels existed until 2005-2006. I was pregnant with my second child at the time.
We were living in Leavenworth, KS and every time I went to the doctor during my pregnancy, there was an elderly gentleman there that I would speak to. It never mattered what time I went or what day, he was there. Some times he would be sitting on a bench, like he was waiting for someone to pick him up. Other times he would be getting in or out of the elevator. What was very striking about this man was his state of dress. He was always dressed in his Sunday best. His boots were freshly shined, his shirt and pants pressed and starched, his jacket would be hung over his arm. He wore no tie; instead he wore a silver and turquoise bolo tie. On his wrist there was a silver and turquoise watch. I have only known one other man to ever dress this way. That was my Daddy Dave, my grand father.
My grand father passed away in March 2002. This man reminded me very much of my beloved Daddy Dave. The summer of 2009 found the Hughes family in transition from Fort Hood, Texas to Fort Carson Colorado. While we waited for house to be ready we stayed at my mom’s house in New Mexico. One lazy Saturday, my mom and my middle child, Abigail, were looking at some old pictures of various family members. My mom would ask Abigail to point out various people that she knew in each picture. They came across a picture of my Daddy Dave with all of my uncles. Abigail points to him and declares “hey I know him, he’s my friend.” This is quite stunning to my mother and me since there is no physical way any of my children could know who my grand father was.
“Your friend?” my mom questions.
“Yes my friend, he comes to see me. He tells me stories,” Abigail says.
“What kind of stories?” my mom asks.
“Oh, funny ones,” says Abigail.
After this encounter, I was even more convinced of the presence of angels. My Daddy Dave is one of them. He makes sure that we are on the right path. When things get hard, he is there to help us through the hard times. I may not be able to see him but his presence and strength are always felt.
I believe in angels. I believe there are angels you can see and those you can not. I believe there are angels you can touch and those that touch you. I do not say this lightly, I have always believed in a higher power. I was not totally convinced that angels existed until 2005-2006. I was pregnant with my second child at the time.
We were living in Leavenworth, KS and every time I went to the doctor during my pregnancy, there was an elderly gentleman there that I would speak to. It never mattered what time I went or what day, he was there. Some times he would be sitting on a bench, like he was waiting for someone to pick him up. Other times he would be getting in or out of the elevator. What was very striking about this man was his state of dress. He was always dressed in his Sunday best. His boots were freshly shined, his shirt and pants pressed and starched, his jacket would be hung over his arm. He wore no tie; instead he wore a silver and turquoise bolo tie. On his wrist there was a silver and turquoise watch. I have only known one other man to ever dress this way. That was my Daddy Dave, my grand father.
My grand father passed away in March 2002. This man reminded me very much of my beloved Daddy Dave. The summer of 2009 found the Hughes family in transition from Fort Hood, Texas to Fort Carson Colorado. While we waited for house to be ready we stayed at my mom’s house in New Mexico. One lazy Saturday, my mom and my middle child, Abigail, were looking at some old pictures of various family members. My mom would ask Abigail to point out various people that she knew in each picture. They came across a picture of my Daddy Dave with all of my uncles. Abigail points to him and declares “hey I know him, he’s my friend.” This is quite stunning to my mother and me since there is no physical way any of my children could know who my grand father was.
“Your friend?” my mom questions.
“Yes my friend, he comes to see me. He tells me stories,” Abigail says.
“What kind of stories?” my mom asks.
“Oh, funny ones,” says Abigail.
After this encounter, I was even more convinced of the presence of angels. My Daddy Dave is one of them. He makes sure that we are on the right path. When things get hard, he is there to help us through the hard times. I may not be able to see him but his presence and strength are always felt.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Dammit 2
**sigh** so my funk is still here for whatever reason. Maybe it is just PMS or the second week of school coming to a close. Maybe it is the fact that I don't think I have had a descents night sleep since Sept......
I discovered another thing I hate.....this may sound weird to some of you but to other it will make perfect sense.
I hate how all of his stuff is just here....like it's waiting on him. I guess the first time I didn't really notice it since we moved twice in the 15 months he was gone. But now...his clothes just hangs out in the closet. His shower stuff in the bathroom. There is even a Dr Pepper and a granola bar on his side of the bed on an end table. Why haven't I thrown it away or put it away?? Funny you ask that.......I just can't move it. Anymore than I can put his shower stuff where I can't see it or pack up his side of the closet. I just can not bring myself to move them. His things will sit where they are and wait for him....same as the kids and I do, day after day after day.......
I discovered another thing I hate.....this may sound weird to some of you but to other it will make perfect sense.
I hate how all of his stuff is just here....like it's waiting on him. I guess the first time I didn't really notice it since we moved twice in the 15 months he was gone. But now...his clothes just hangs out in the closet. His shower stuff in the bathroom. There is even a Dr Pepper and a granola bar on his side of the bed on an end table. Why haven't I thrown it away or put it away?? Funny you ask that.......I just can't move it. Anymore than I can put his shower stuff where I can't see it or pack up his side of the closet. I just can not bring myself to move them. His things will sit where they are and wait for him....same as the kids and I do, day after day after day.......
Thursday, January 28, 2010
DAMMIT!!
So I have put up a good front the last few weeks....hell I guess the last two months have all been one great big fake smile..............I HATE THIS!!! I hate how much I miss him. I hate how much it bothers me to go to bed alone and to wake up the same way. I hate how I reach for the phone to call him. I hate how I reach for him in the middle of the night. I hate how a song can make me cry because it reminds me of him. I hate how much the kids remind me of him. I hate how much they miss him. All the way around I just hate this!!
I miss him for selfish reasons. I miss that he is not here to help carry the load. I miss that he is not here to pick up the pieces when they all come tumbling down. I hate that he isn't here to hold it all together. I want to be angry with him because he isn't here. I want to scream and yell and stomp my feet when it all just gets to be to much. I want him home so bad it is like a hole that can't be filled. Nothing you put there will fill it. There is a part of my life that is just missing without him. It fills up during those all to brief phone calls. You hold onto every word he says. Even if they make no sense in your world you hold them in your heart like you would hold gold in your hands. You hold onto those I love you's and I will be home soons for the bad days. So you can replay them in your head, so you know it will be ok.......soon. You listen to the sound of him breathing, the tone of his voice, the sound of his laugh, since those are the only clues you have to let you know if he is ok. You wonder is he sleeping? Are they feeding him ok? Does he have enough snacks? What can I send him so he knows how much we love and miss him?
There isn't a minute of any day that passes that he isn't part of............
Dammit I just miss him.......I want him home. I just want to be able to feel him close. To know that my partner and best friend his right next to me and not an ocean away....to know that he is safe and well fed.....to know he will be there when I reach for him in the middle of the night........
I miss him for selfish reasons. I miss that he is not here to help carry the load. I miss that he is not here to pick up the pieces when they all come tumbling down. I hate that he isn't here to hold it all together. I want to be angry with him because he isn't here. I want to scream and yell and stomp my feet when it all just gets to be to much. I want him home so bad it is like a hole that can't be filled. Nothing you put there will fill it. There is a part of my life that is just missing without him. It fills up during those all to brief phone calls. You hold onto every word he says. Even if they make no sense in your world you hold them in your heart like you would hold gold in your hands. You hold onto those I love you's and I will be home soons for the bad days. So you can replay them in your head, so you know it will be ok.......soon. You listen to the sound of him breathing, the tone of his voice, the sound of his laugh, since those are the only clues you have to let you know if he is ok. You wonder is he sleeping? Are they feeding him ok? Does he have enough snacks? What can I send him so he knows how much we love and miss him?
There isn't a minute of any day that passes that he isn't part of............
Dammit I just miss him.......I want him home. I just want to be able to feel him close. To know that my partner and best friend his right next to me and not an ocean away....to know that he is safe and well fed.....to know he will be there when I reach for him in the middle of the night........
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Today.....could it be??
Six years ago today I said "I Do" to the man I love. I didn't say "I might" or "maybe I will". I said "I do". I committed my life to him as he committed his life to me. As I look back over the last six years I see a roller coaster of events....4 moves, 3 babies, 2 deployments, 1 trip to Hawaii, countless moments. I realize that as we have grown so has our marriage and our love for each other. There have been moments of great happiness and horrible sadness. While we have not experienced some life changing events we sure have had our share of life moments. While each one was a challenge they were all met with love. There isn't a day that passes that I do not think of how lucky I am to have Allen in my life. He is my strength, my hero, my lover, my friend and so many other things. He is there to catch the tears when they fall and there to see the smiles he brings to my life.
So many things I could have been in my life, but the greatest thing I have become is a wife and mother. Allen I love you. I love you more today then I did six years ago. I thank God for putting me on the path that led to you. I look forward to the rest of our lives together. We have had our ups and downs, yet through it all we have come out on the other side more in love with each other than the day we said "I Do". Even though we will spend this Anniversary apart please know that you are the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am reminded of the bible verse that was read at our wedding:
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 1-13
So many things I could have been in my life, but the greatest thing I have become is a wife and mother. Allen I love you. I love you more today then I did six years ago. I thank God for putting me on the path that led to you. I look forward to the rest of our lives together. We have had our ups and downs, yet through it all we have come out on the other side more in love with each other than the day we said "I Do". Even though we will spend this Anniversary apart please know that you are the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am reminded of the bible verse that was read at our wedding:
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 1-13
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Who I am.......
I attended a spouses training ....called CARE team training. (CAsualty Response Team) This is training for volunteers that make themselves available to a family to ensure that everyday things are tended to in order for a family to deal with the unfortunate event of losing their Soldier, their Soldier being severly injured, or any other severe crisis that could plague a military family. Most military families are not within immediate reach of family support, CARE Team would be the bridge until the families own support system can be put into place.
I couldn't help but look around the room at the women around me......there is no mold for a military wife. There is no one personality that makes an Army wife. However, there is a common thread among all of us. Army wives are truly a different breed. This does not make us better than any other wife........it just makes us different.
Military wives range from the highly educated to the high school drop out. From organized to organized chaos. We are mothers, daughters, sisters and friends. Almost overnight we learn acronyms that are the basis to our livelihoods: LES, ACS, PCS, TDY, PX just to name a few. We learn how to pack up a house one day and make a house into a home the next day. We learn what it is like to say hello to strangers and good bye to friends. We learn that birthdays, Christmas, and Anniversaries are celebrated months in advance or months late. We learn to answer the phone at 3 am. We learn the sound of his voice and the feel of his touch by heart, since tomorrow he will be in a foreign land. We learn to be strong for the sake of our children. We learn that somedays are longer than others. We learn to smile through the sadness of being alone. We learn that sometimes strangers make the greatest friends. We learn to lean on each other instead of carrying the weight alone.
To my fellow Army wives and Military wives....we are a breed all alone. We stand beside the Greatest men in the world. I thank each and every one of you. For the things you do for the one you love and the strength you pass onto others. There are no words to express how I feel about the sisterhood that I am part of. I know not where we get the strength to love the men we do, but we love them none the less. THANK YOU!!!!
I couldn't help but look around the room at the women around me......there is no mold for a military wife. There is no one personality that makes an Army wife. However, there is a common thread among all of us. Army wives are truly a different breed. This does not make us better than any other wife........it just makes us different.
Military wives range from the highly educated to the high school drop out. From organized to organized chaos. We are mothers, daughters, sisters and friends. Almost overnight we learn acronyms that are the basis to our livelihoods: LES, ACS, PCS, TDY, PX just to name a few. We learn how to pack up a house one day and make a house into a home the next day. We learn what it is like to say hello to strangers and good bye to friends. We learn that birthdays, Christmas, and Anniversaries are celebrated months in advance or months late. We learn to answer the phone at 3 am. We learn the sound of his voice and the feel of his touch by heart, since tomorrow he will be in a foreign land. We learn to be strong for the sake of our children. We learn that somedays are longer than others. We learn to smile through the sadness of being alone. We learn that sometimes strangers make the greatest friends. We learn to lean on each other instead of carrying the weight alone.
To my fellow Army wives and Military wives....we are a breed all alone. We stand beside the Greatest men in the world. I thank each and every one of you. For the things you do for the one you love and the strength you pass onto others. There are no words to express how I feel about the sisterhood that I am part of. I know not where we get the strength to love the men we do, but we love them none the less. THANK YOU!!!!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
10 yrs and counting.....
Who would have thought I would be here after 10 years. I look back on the last 10 years and I can't help but smile and laugh.
10 years ago I told myself I would never be married and I would never have children. I was going to be SGM of the Army. I was going to be in charge and no one was going to tell me how to live my life....10 years ago I was a High School senior with the WHOLE world at my feet, at least I thought so anyway.
Funny how life has a way of changing things. I have been truly blessed in my life. I have a mother that I know would move hell and high water for me if she could. She has been my rock and my saving grace more times than I can count. I look to her for guidance, laughter and even a good scolding. She is my shoulder when I need to lean on something. In her I find strength I can only imagine. She has raised four children on her own. While my sisters still live at home and go to school, I know they will be successful adults.
My Soldier life was one amazing ride!! I got to see things most people only dream of. I have been to the DMZ. I have seen a different culture. Korea was a fun place to be at 19 yrs old. I have eaten some GREAT foreign cuisine. I stood at the base of the Eiffel tower (with the man I love, saw castles and drove 90 miles an hour. Hey that was the slow lane!! LOL I got to meet AMAZING people the various places I served at. There are WAY to many names to list here....all of you know who you are.
I am married to one of the greatest guys I know. (I know my Daddy Dave would have loved this guy) I love him more than he knows. He is truly my soul mate. He believes in me the way few others ever have. He has given me a life that I wouldn't change for the world. Although his job sometimes takes him far from home he is always in my heart. There isn't a day that goes by I don't want to call and tell him something. I LOVE YOU!!
The three kids we have had are my world. I am so thankful I had the choice; my family or my country. I chose my children. They are my moon and my stars. They light up my darkest day. I don't know how I would live without them....life would sure be boring.
Allyson, the oldest, is SUPER smart and VERY serious. She is the oldest child to the tee. She likes to think she is in charge and loves her role as big sister. She is a very emotional and intuitive child. She loves books and loves to sing and dance. She has a humorous streak that she keeps hidden, but when she shows it she will have you in stitches.
Abigail, the classic middle child!! This is my DREAMER, there is nothing to far fetched for her. She enjoys the parties in her head where they dance and eat cheese and crackers.....She is the peanut. Always happy, except when she is MAD!! Oh boy she has a temper!! LOL She marches to the beat of her own drum. She has truly taught me the meaning of patience.
Anthony, the baby....what more is there to say?? He is a charmer and has yet to meet a stranger. He will talk to anyone that speaks to him. He is cuddly and loving. Smothered in love by everyone that knows him, especially his big sisters. He loves his "Poop" (his pooh bear, he calls him "poop") LOL and his binky.
Allyson and Abigail are my stars.....they twinkle and shine with their huge personalities. Anthony is my moon he is a bright light all of the time. Amazing how kids can fill up your life. I truly could not imagine how my life would be as anything other than a wife and mother. My husband and children fill up everything I do.
The man I married has one awesome family. They have their quirks but, I couldn't have better in laws!! All of them are VERY special to me. My mother and father in law, for sharing their experiences and showing us that we can get through it all. For being there every time I call. For sharing their AMAZING son with me. My mother in law...for being there to catch the tears on the bad days and share the smiles on the good days. My brothers and sister for being there to hang out. I wish we could all be a little bit closer.... Linda and Troy for every time I call and you are there. For listening and being another shoulder to lean on. For just being there....Amy, Angie and Bret thank you for sharing your mom and dad with us, you guys are very lucky to have the parents you do. To Granny...she will get me if she ever reads this...LOL I miss you!! I love you as if I was born into this family. There is so much to say about you that I just can't put into words...take care of you...I will see you soon!!!
As 2010 kicks into high gear I look forward to the next 10 years. I am sure it will be another awesome ride......the highs and lows.......the every days and the once in a blue moons. I count my blessings and all I ask is that everyone I love be kept safe and may they be as blessed as I am....
10 years ago I told myself I would never be married and I would never have children. I was going to be SGM of the Army. I was going to be in charge and no one was going to tell me how to live my life....10 years ago I was a High School senior with the WHOLE world at my feet, at least I thought so anyway.
Funny how life has a way of changing things. I have been truly blessed in my life. I have a mother that I know would move hell and high water for me if she could. She has been my rock and my saving grace more times than I can count. I look to her for guidance, laughter and even a good scolding. She is my shoulder when I need to lean on something. In her I find strength I can only imagine. She has raised four children on her own. While my sisters still live at home and go to school, I know they will be successful adults.
My Soldier life was one amazing ride!! I got to see things most people only dream of. I have been to the DMZ. I have seen a different culture. Korea was a fun place to be at 19 yrs old. I have eaten some GREAT foreign cuisine. I stood at the base of the Eiffel tower (with the man I love, saw castles and drove 90 miles an hour. Hey that was the slow lane!! LOL I got to meet AMAZING people the various places I served at. There are WAY to many names to list here....all of you know who you are.
I am married to one of the greatest guys I know. (I know my Daddy Dave would have loved this guy) I love him more than he knows. He is truly my soul mate. He believes in me the way few others ever have. He has given me a life that I wouldn't change for the world. Although his job sometimes takes him far from home he is always in my heart. There isn't a day that goes by I don't want to call and tell him something. I LOVE YOU!!
The three kids we have had are my world. I am so thankful I had the choice; my family or my country. I chose my children. They are my moon and my stars. They light up my darkest day. I don't know how I would live without them....life would sure be boring.
Allyson, the oldest, is SUPER smart and VERY serious. She is the oldest child to the tee. She likes to think she is in charge and loves her role as big sister. She is a very emotional and intuitive child. She loves books and loves to sing and dance. She has a humorous streak that she keeps hidden, but when she shows it she will have you in stitches.
Abigail, the classic middle child!! This is my DREAMER, there is nothing to far fetched for her. She enjoys the parties in her head where they dance and eat cheese and crackers.....She is the peanut. Always happy, except when she is MAD!! Oh boy she has a temper!! LOL She marches to the beat of her own drum. She has truly taught me the meaning of patience.
Anthony, the baby....what more is there to say?? He is a charmer and has yet to meet a stranger. He will talk to anyone that speaks to him. He is cuddly and loving. Smothered in love by everyone that knows him, especially his big sisters. He loves his "Poop" (his pooh bear, he calls him "poop") LOL and his binky.
Allyson and Abigail are my stars.....they twinkle and shine with their huge personalities. Anthony is my moon he is a bright light all of the time. Amazing how kids can fill up your life. I truly could not imagine how my life would be as anything other than a wife and mother. My husband and children fill up everything I do.
The man I married has one awesome family. They have their quirks but, I couldn't have better in laws!! All of them are VERY special to me. My mother and father in law, for sharing their experiences and showing us that we can get through it all. For being there every time I call. For sharing their AMAZING son with me. My mother in law...for being there to catch the tears on the bad days and share the smiles on the good days. My brothers and sister for being there to hang out. I wish we could all be a little bit closer.... Linda and Troy for every time I call and you are there. For listening and being another shoulder to lean on. For just being there....Amy, Angie and Bret thank you for sharing your mom and dad with us, you guys are very lucky to have the parents you do. To Granny...she will get me if she ever reads this...LOL I miss you!! I love you as if I was born into this family. There is so much to say about you that I just can't put into words...take care of you...I will see you soon!!!
As 2010 kicks into high gear I look forward to the next 10 years. I am sure it will be another awesome ride......the highs and lows.......the every days and the once in a blue moons. I count my blessings and all I ask is that everyone I love be kept safe and may they be as blessed as I am....
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