I.....need......help (oh that was difficult)

I've started this so many times and so many ways. It's hard for me to ask for help. It's hard for me to say that I needed help.
The last few years have been an emotional roller coaster for me. In the last seven years my husband has deployed 3 times. Once to Iraq and twice to Afghanistan. I lost my paternal grand father and watched as my sister buried her child. I lost an uncle who was more like my brother. Watched as all of my babies started school. Watched as my baby sister took her first steps on her own. Dealt with the emotional blows of reintegration. Handled the emotions of three children while their father was deployed. Watched and waited as my mother had her first surgery, ever.
The highs and lows of life took their toll on me and it took crying over spilled milk for me to realize that it was time to get help. I am standing in my kitchen with a blue cup in my hand. I reach over to place it on the table and some how the cup falls from my hand and falls to the floor. All I can think is damn it! Now I have a mess to clean up. The tears start...and I can't stop them even as I realize that the cup was empty and there is not a mess to clean up. The tears just keep coming. They continue as I call and make an appointment to talk to somebody. Anybody that can help the feeling of sadness go away. I never wanted to hurt myself or anyone else. I was just sad and blue and lonely so very, very lonely.

Getting help for my depression was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
I believe it was hard for me to get help because I kept telling myself that I had nothing to be depressed over. My kids are healthy, I have a beautiful home, my husband is as much in love with me as I am with him, I have friends, and my bills are paid. Why would I be depressed? What was there to be depressed about?

Admitting that I had stopped taking care of myself was a hard step to take. Admitting that I couldn't get rid of the blues on my own, was even harder.

This time last year, I was barely getting out of bed. I was out of bed long enough to get the kids out the door and to get them fed in the afternoon. Nothing was fun. Everything I did I felt like I did it because it was expected. I wanted to have fun, but I couldn't. Reading wasn't enjoyable, cooking wasn't enjoyable, and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like there was a cloud over me all of the time. There was no reason to smile. I wanted too, but I just couldn't do it. I don't know what my friends saw, but all I could see was sadness.

I got help. I allowed myself to be put on medication and I found a therapist. I was diagnosed with a severe case of situational depression. My brain wasn't adjusting to the ups and downs anymore. My brain and my emotions had taken a time out.
I look back to last year and I don't recognize the person I was. After 12 months of regular medication and therapy I feel like me, finally. Being depressed for me was a physical feeling. Nothing was sunny, there was a cloud over everything. Sleeping made it all go away, so I stayed in bed. Staying in bed didn't fix anything, nor did it give me a chance to deal with the emotions of life. I needed help!!!

If any of you that are reading this, feel blue or feel like nothing is bright and sunny; get help.
Being strong doesn't mean that nothing bothers you. Being strong means you have the ability to bend. Being strong means you ask for help when you can't keep the pieces together alone.

Happy Mother's Day

As I listen to the sounds of my children, as they ready themselves for bed, I can't help but think of how blessed I am. The mother of three beautiful, smart, funny, healthy and loving children my heart is filled with happiness. It makes me think of how else, as a mother, I am blessed.

I am blessed to have my mother. Not only as a shoulder to cry on but as my friend and confidant. My mother loves me unconditionally. She has no problem telling me that I need a time out and she is always there when my world is filled with storm clouds. I know that my mom has carried the world on her shoulders. She taught me that strength comes from within. That standing up for yourself and what is right, is how the world should work.

I am blessed to have one of the most wonderful mother in laws in the world. I don't know anyone that shines as bright as her. I know that without her love and support, I would be lost!

I am blessed to have my Grand Mother. There is a special bond between a Grand mother and her Grand daughters. I have always found peace with my Grand mother. Like my mom, my Grand mother has always been there for me. It makes my heart dance to see the light in her eyes when her great grand children go visit her!

I am blessed to have fellow mommy friends. From those that are celebrating their first Mother's Day (KB) to those that have seen their children grow into wonderful adults (GL). Those that welcomed our family into theirs with open arms (RF, DR, NW). To the mommies that let me hold their brand new babies (MM, AW). It is nice to know that their are other mommies that have been sleep deprived, suffer from memory loss (did I brush my teeth this morning?) and know when an alcoholic beverage is the only help you can expect!! Thank you for being a part of my life and for allowing me to be a part of yours.

I am blessed with sisters!! From my niece to my nephews, so glad I have three little people to spoil rotten and then send home!!! :)

I am blessed to have some of the best aunts in the world!! RH, LS, RV, BV, VQ, all of you are in my heart. You are a shoulder to lean on, a laugh to be had, and are always up for fun!!! I love each and every one of you.

To all the Mother's in my life and every Mother out there; may you be as blessed as I am. If you can, hug your mom and tell her you love her. Show her that she appreciated as often as you can, not just tomorrow.

~A~