In November 2012, I was diagnosed with situational depression. Thankfully, I got the help that I needed. It has been almost 3 years but I am still healing. Since September is suicide awareness month, I thought I would share my story, again, with a little more detail.
While I was not suicidal, I was depressed. I was lonely and nothing I did filled the hole that I felt was my life. I felt like I was a burden to my husband and that I was hurting my children. There was a time that I thought, maybe if I just leave. If I leave, they will be better off without me. I thought that I would just drive away, walk away from everything I loved. That was probably the lowest point of my life. I didn't walk away, I turned around and rebuilt my foundation. I was able to make a stand in my own life, because I had people in my life that cared. They cared enough about me, to encourage me to get help. They listened to me when I cried for help. Looking back, I know I didn't do it alone. Without the help of my friends and family, I know I would still be in a very dark place.
On the outside, I was okay. Very few people even realized that I was depressed. I had my game face on all of the time. Behind closed doors, I was a mess. Panic attacks, lack of sleep and constant worry was the me at home. I spent most of my hours in bed, with the lights off and my eyes closed. That was how I got through my days. The breaking point came and every emotion that I had kept hidden hit like a freight train. As I think back, the question I remember asking myself over and over was; "what do I have to be depressed about?" I felt that I should have been stronger, that I should have been able to avoid feeling the way I did. I was the most resilient person I knew. I couldn't be depressed, people were depending on me. My life was perfect. Perfect kids, perfect husband...the list went on and on with everything I had, no where was there a reason to be depressed. What my mind didn't put on that list was every emotion that I carried.
The sadness of losing people you love. The fear of watching the father of your children get on an airplane to a combat zone. The worry that grows with each day you don't hear from him. The fear that your way of life is harming your kids. The weight of being there when your kids are afraid. The anger that you feel because your best friend is away from home. The frustration of balancing kids and home life, alone. The sheer panic of missing that long awaited phone call. Not to mention the exhaustion of knowing that something is not right and feeling like you just can't fight anymore...
If you are reading this and you can see yourself, you are not alone. There are others that have carried the burden of depression and we know how awful it feels. Get help, find someone that you can talk to, write your feelings down... Don't let yourself drown. Take a stand and take your life back!
If you are reading this and it sounds like someone you know, REACH OUT!!! Call that person, make sure they are okay! They need you! They need to see that they matter to someone! Encourage them to get the help they need. I know I wouldn't be healthy right now if my friends had stayed on the sidelines.
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-adjustment-disorder
