Where did you come from??

I often joke that God lets us choose our friends because he chose our family for us. I think I have been proven wrong....yet again...funny how God has a way of doing that.....
With our move to Colorado Springs from Ft Hood, I knew that another deployment was imminent. It was not a matter of "if" but a matter of "when" he would be on his way to the "sandbox".
When the big day arrived the kids and I found ourselves surrounded by acquaintances. Not to many people to call when things got to hairy for us. Low and behold there was a plan in the works....little to any one's knowledge except the Big Guy himself.
An invitation to a party and sheer curiosity led to being introduced to some pretty awesome women. While we each have our own quirks, we mesh pretty well. From the party to a lunch date, then an invitation to a be a part of a beautiful wedding. From the wedding to meeting another great group of people. People that could easily be me and Allen. Just trying to make in the crazy Army life we live. Now I don't often admit when I am wrong, so everyone better write this one down!! LOL Even though it seems like we choose our own friends I think there is a greater power that should take the credit for all of the people in our lives. There is something for each of us to learn from every person that we cross paths with. Whether they have made the same choices as us or VERY different choices. I know I would be lost without every single person that I choose to call my friend and privileged enough to call family.
As 2009 comes to an end, I just want to say I look forward to seeing all of you next year!!!! I am sure it will be another GREAT adventure!!!!

Faith

Where does patience come from? Where does the strength to put one foot in front of the other come from? What gives us the drive to smile when all we want to do is cry?? I sometimes wish I had the answer to those questions. All I can say is the ability to carry on must come from faith. Faith in something or someone higher than yourself. I found myself bone weary on Saturday. Absolutely exhausted after spending two days in the hospital with a sick child. As we left the hospital I was on the phone with Allen. The nurse looked a little perturbed that I did not hang up when she went in for me to sign the discharge papers. I signed them and she went for a wheelchair to escort Allyson out. When she returned I was still on the phone, she had the same perturbed look. I finished my conversation with Allen, assuring him that all was well with his baby girl and we were on our way home. I must have sighed or made a noise as I hung up the phone, since the nurse asked "are you ok?" I responded with "yes, that was my husband. He is in Afghanistan."
She looked at me and asks, "how long has he been gone?"
"Since September" I reply
She says "I don't know how you girls do it."
Before I could think of how to answer, I hear myself say, "Faith"
"Faith in something higher than yourself, faith in what he is doing out there, faith that he will be safe, faith in yourself"
Is that all it takes is faith? I think so. I know for me I wake up everyday and I am thankful that I am alive. I am thankful that my children are healthy. I am thankful that no one called in the dead of night. I am thankful that no one knocked on my door the day before. For those that are not military...let me explain something. Most people welcome unexpected visitors. As a military wife with her husband in a combat zone, unexpected visitors and unexpected phone calls are not welcome. They can spark fear, dread, and anxiety in seconds. I remember when we lived in Collinsville, TX (before Anthony was born) I made everyone use the side door! Just so if they knocked on that door I knew it was someone I wanted to see. There are no easy days during a deployment. There are good days and there are bad days. The good days are the ones where you don't want to cry at any given moment. The bad days are when you are so lonely you can't sleep. The good days are when you find something to be happy about. The bad days are when you check the phone 12 million times to make sure it is working.
On a good day you can say, wow we are getting through this pretty fast. He will be home before we know it.
On a bad day all you can think of is the last time you kissed him. I see it like it was yesterday. He strapped the kids back in the truck, hugged them and kissed them all. He walked around the truck to where I was standing. Wraps his arms around me says "I love you babe!" He put his hands on my face and then he kisses me goodbye. I hug him one last time, then he walks to the jeep, and they drive away......
Sometimes I wake up and I swear he is in bed with me. I can hear him breathe. I can feel his body close to mine....then I realize it is all just a dream. Most times it isn't even the sex you miss. It is the intimacy you have with your partner. The quiet time to go over the day and what tomorrow might bring. A chance to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around your children. To just sit in read or watch a movie. To enjoy the quiet of the house once the kids are in bed and sleeping.
So when things look like they are to tough to handle....have faith. Things will get better if you just believe................

What a weekend

WOW December has been quite a month at the Hughes household!!! Oh my oh my!! There have been good things and there have been bad things. I am not even sure where to start.......
I know one thing is for sure.....God sure does provide all you have to do is ask. He has surrounded us with the most giving and beautiful of people. From strangers to friends. As Christmas gets closer all I can say is that I am truly thankful for what he has provided for us.
Although there are times when it is all quite overwhelming it is good to know that there are people around that are willing to share the load.
Thursday evening Allyson came home complaining of a tummy ache. I was babysitting for a friend and played it off. I fed everyone supper, gave the little people a bath and started the bedtime fight. When she got up from the couch she doubled over in pain. She had a look that said "I do NOT feel good!!!" So I take her to the ER. Where we sit for two hours before they take us to a room. By this time they had taken a urine sample, they figured a UTI is all she had. The Dr comes in checks her out and reads her labs, her urine is clean. She is still in a great deal of pain so they decide they are going to start the process to check for appendicitis. This includes putting a line for the IV and drinking a contrast solution so they can see all of her little insides on a CT scan. While the IV was a challenge in itself, getting her to drink the contrast was the real battle. She gets half of it down and then throws up all over the bed and herself. They give her an anti nausea med and we try again. She gets a little bit more down and then pukes all over herself and the nurse. What a lovely night. The Dr decides to run the CT without the contrast. The CT comes back negative. No inflamed appendix, no blocked bowel, no bleeding in the intestine, it really didn't show anything at all other than healthy body parts. So they want to release her to go home. Now here is a 5 yr old child, she is pale, shaking with pain, she has an elevated white count and she is scared. They have NO idea what to say is wrong with her and I am freaking out. I haven't talked to Allen yet and my mind is a mess. The Dr checks her again and decides that there is something wrong with her, but she will have to be admitted. Ok, now we are getting somewhere. They take her to the pediatric wing and we wait for the Dr to come in. He checks her out and says we are going to keep her until Saturday. We want to grow her cultures and see what we have. Right now we need to get her to drink as much fluid as we can. This will help with whatever she has. So the fight begins. Allyson wants nothing to do with anything to eat or drink. She is VERY pale and in LOTS of pain. They finally bring her some pain meds and she finally goes down for a nap. Meanwhile I have had NO sleep, I haven't seen the other kids since Thursday evening. I truly have the greatest people in my life.......I have found a friend that doesn't hesitate to help out and strangers that stepped in to take over and make sure everything else was taken care of. There are no words to express how truly grateful I am to everyone that stood with us this weekend. The thoughts, the prayers, the well wishes and the support is truly unbelievable.
Even though Allen is in Afghanistan I know we are taken care of by people that love us. I hope he knows how well his family is looked after by the great Army family we have found.
Saturday afternoon finds us home and in better spirits. Allyson has a viral infection in her adenoids and lymph nodes.....Nothing a little bit of rest and fluids can't handle. All is well in the Hughes household again.
Sunday, dawns even better than Saturday. French toast for breakfast...oh yummy. Then it all goes downhill from there. I get the laundry put away and Anthony decides he wants to use the laundry basket as his boat. Well he rocks it just a little to hard! CRASH!!! He busts his head, not only does he give himself a good goose egg....he opens a good gash and bleeds all over the place!!! All I can think of is GREAT back to the ER!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Well I clean him up, stop the bleeding and Dr it myself! No sense in wasting money on 3 stitches when I have butterflies in the first aid kit!!!! Besides scars add character!!!!
I really think I am in need of a break. Not just a day off. I need a week off of nothing but me. No kids to worry about, no dogs to feed, no dishes to wash, no meals to clean, no laundry to do, and my husband safe at home, so I don't have to worry about him.
I love my family....but weekends like this, I wonder if it is all worth the stress. Then I get a hug or a kiss and it makes it all worth while!
I am just happy that Allyson is back to normal. Anthony's head will heal. Abigail seems to be over the asthma thing. Allen is still relatively safe. I am healthy. And I have AWESOME friends.

Just deal........

My two favorite words, good thing I don't play cards! HA!! Anyway............What a crappy day...
It started out okay...well except for the negative temperatures and the awful wind. The sky was clear and the sun was out. The day went exceptionally well...until I picked the children up from daycare. That is when the day decided to go from OK to why did I even get out of bed this morning? I had a class so I can take over as the Treasurer for the BN FRG. I like to be involved I figured this was a good opportunity. Well on our way to the class, the children decide that they are going to forget to tell mommy that they need to go potty. We get to where we are supposed to be and they have soiled themselves.......yippee fricken skippy!!! So I didn't go to the class, I came home. On my way home I call my mother and my friend. Now while I need to hear "put on your big girl panties and deal" every once in awhile, I did not need to hear it tonight. I just wanted to vent. I just wanted to take my frustration out on someone other than the kids. I just want to cry. I know I am not alone, but the frustration of doing everything alone just gets to a girl sometimes.
I just wanted to be frustrated about the laundry, that never goes away no matter how hard I try. I wanted to be angry that I can't call him, or see him, or touch him. I want to be angry that he isn't here to make it all better, he isn't here to be my sidekick to make me laugh when life is just hard. I just want to miss him.
I know I am not alone on this journey. I am just lonely.....I have friends and I love them. They inspire me, they make me laugh, they make me cry and they make me mad, but they are still my friends and I know they are a phone call away......but I want my partner......my friend.....my confidant. I get him in small increments of time now. Sometimes that phone call just doesn't get you to the next phone call........................
Waking up everyday to the other half of the bed still being made because no one has slept there. Waking up with a sigh instead of a smile because you have so many things to do and you don't know where to start.
Going to bed exhausted...sleeping because you have to, but never really getting a good nights sleep. Going to bed alone.........................laying there wishing he was next to you.
I want my friend home.....that is all I want. I know no one can bring him home for me....I know no one can ease the loneliness that is there while he is away. I just want him home.............

As the snow falls.........................

So I counted the weeks.......he has been deployed for 10 weeks............wow!! Has it really been that long?? Some days it feels like he left yesterday. Take Friday.....I reach into the closet and pull out a long sleeve tshirt....go to pull it on over my head and smell him all over it. All I could do was cry! Oh I miss that smell. The smell of my man getting home from work, his smell as he gets out of the shower, his smell as he shaves for the day. They say the sense of smell is the strongest of all the senses...I would have to agree. Amazing how a smell can take you back to a memory that occurred years ago. Like when he first started kissing me goodbye, for the day, after he had shaved......the smell of his shaving cream, gives me that loved feeling I have when he is close enough to kiss. Ten weeks have passed and I still wake up wishing he was next to me. Ten weeks and the nights are still lonely. Ten weeks and I still cry in the shower. Ten weeks and I still get asked the same question...Momma when will Daddy be home? Ten weeks and my heart still hurts like the day we dropped him off. The tears don't come as often, but I catch myself having to take a deep breath every morning to keep them at bay. Life continues to progress...even with my best friend so far away. The sun comes up and the sun goes down.....the kids and I play the same game everyday. We find ourselves without him yet we continue to find ourselves getting on with everyday. I find myself coming home at the end of the day still expecting him to be on his way home so I can share how my day went......I get home and the house is empty......amazing how the mind works.
I am thankful for the people that I have surrounded myself with. Although our situations are unique, we have a bond. We take care of each other, we lean on each other, we fill a gap that is left when our guy has to leave, we make room in each other's hearts to stay there when they return. As the countdown marches through the Christmas season, I am grateful for the extended family we have found. I know the kids feel the same way. Un dia la vez.....

Scrooge who??

So the Christmas season is upon us. I do not like Christmas. I haven't liked it for a very long time. I am not a scrooge, I like to give people things I think they will like. I like to have people over for a big meal and some laughs, maybe a glass of wine. I don't think we should see decorations out until Thanksgiving, radio stations shouldn't play Christmas music until Dec.
But when more of your childhood Christmas' were ruined because someone had to much to drink or decided they had better places to be than with the people they claimed were the most important in their lives. You kind of lose the rose colored glasses and see the holiday season as something to be avoided. Oh and I have heard it all, you need to get over your child hood, you need to be happy for the kids, blah blah blah blah. Well there are some things from being a kid that I have gotten over. I think this will take a little bit more time.
As of right now, the tree is up and is kind of decorated. The moon and the stars did it so the whole bottom has decorations. The top is kind of lacking but I think it gives it character. Santa and Mrs. Claus' laundry is hanging up, the stockings are up, wrapping paper bought, gifts bought, and I am considering buying a wreath.......
That is as good as it is getting this year. If anyone one wants more they are going to have to come over and do it themselves. Maybe next year the hubby will convince me that it is worth getting all geeked up over........until that day this is all anyone will get for Christmas................

**sigh** wow another week has started....Why does time fly by so fast? Wouldn't it be nice if we could hold on to certain moments longer than the blink of an eye that they last?? Like the moment your child tells you " I love you momma!" Or how about that moment when the little ones finally go to sleep and the house sighs a sigh of peace? My favorite moment I wish I could hold onto is the moment your child falls asleep in your arms. When they take that breath that takes them from wakefulness to sleep. Their face takes on the glow of an angel and all is right with the world. My moon climbed into my lap on Saturday and says "momma hold me...." I pull him into my arms and he laid his head on my chest. Little hands in fists as he squirms to get comfortable. Not five minutes later he is fast asleep. All I could do was watch as his chest went up and down as he slept. I think back to the day they told me those easy breaths were not so easy for him. I look at him and see the helicopter that took him from the small hospital where he was born to the much larger hospital in Ft Worth, TX. I watch him breathe and thank God that these breaths come easy for him now. I see him climbing on the chair, to find chocolates with his impish grin on his face. Knowing if he gets the chocolates the punishment will be well worth the punishment he will receive.
I am thankful for this beautiful little person. He has yet to meet a stranger. Everyone is his friend and every lady he meets gets a kiss when she leaves his presence. I see his daddy in him more and more each day. The way he eats, the way he sleeps, the way he loves his family. This boy child of mine will always be close to my heart. My little moon.....he won't always be little but I think I will always see him as a curious toddler, loving everything and everyone around him and never leaving a rock unturned..............