Faith

Where does patience come from? Where does the strength to put one foot in front of the other come from? What gives us the drive to smile when all we want to do is cry?? I sometimes wish I had the answer to those questions. All I can say is the ability to carry on must come from faith. Faith in something or someone higher than yourself. I found myself bone weary on Saturday. Absolutely exhausted after spending two days in the hospital with a sick child. As we left the hospital I was on the phone with Allen. The nurse looked a little perturbed that I did not hang up when she went in for me to sign the discharge papers. I signed them and she went for a wheelchair to escort Allyson out. When she returned I was still on the phone, she had the same perturbed look. I finished my conversation with Allen, assuring him that all was well with his baby girl and we were on our way home. I must have sighed or made a noise as I hung up the phone, since the nurse asked "are you ok?" I responded with "yes, that was my husband. He is in Afghanistan."
She looked at me and asks, "how long has he been gone?"
"Since September" I reply
She says "I don't know how you girls do it."
Before I could think of how to answer, I hear myself say, "Faith"
"Faith in something higher than yourself, faith in what he is doing out there, faith that he will be safe, faith in yourself"
Is that all it takes is faith? I think so. I know for me I wake up everyday and I am thankful that I am alive. I am thankful that my children are healthy. I am thankful that no one called in the dead of night. I am thankful that no one knocked on my door the day before. For those that are not military...let me explain something. Most people welcome unexpected visitors. As a military wife with her husband in a combat zone, unexpected visitors and unexpected phone calls are not welcome. They can spark fear, dread, and anxiety in seconds. I remember when we lived in Collinsville, TX (before Anthony was born) I made everyone use the side door! Just so if they knocked on that door I knew it was someone I wanted to see. There are no easy days during a deployment. There are good days and there are bad days. The good days are the ones where you don't want to cry at any given moment. The bad days are when you are so lonely you can't sleep. The good days are when you find something to be happy about. The bad days are when you check the phone 12 million times to make sure it is working.
On a good day you can say, wow we are getting through this pretty fast. He will be home before we know it.
On a bad day all you can think of is the last time you kissed him. I see it like it was yesterday. He strapped the kids back in the truck, hugged them and kissed them all. He walked around the truck to where I was standing. Wraps his arms around me says "I love you babe!" He put his hands on my face and then he kisses me goodbye. I hug him one last time, then he walks to the jeep, and they drive away......
Sometimes I wake up and I swear he is in bed with me. I can hear him breathe. I can feel his body close to mine....then I realize it is all just a dream. Most times it isn't even the sex you miss. It is the intimacy you have with your partner. The quiet time to go over the day and what tomorrow might bring. A chance to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around your children. To just sit in read or watch a movie. To enjoy the quiet of the house once the kids are in bed and sleeping.
So when things look like they are to tough to handle....have faith. Things will get better if you just believe................