Who took my cape?

Well I was finally starting to deal with this whole deployment thing. The waiting to hear from him is still killing me. But we had established a groove......
Then Tuesday I came home from biology class feeling a little under the weather. My little Moon wasn't feeling so hot on Tuesday either. So Wednesday him and I hung out at home. Thursday the weather was awful so it was family day....all four of us were home. I continued to get worse. My cough picked up..I would sneeze at every turn. It was lovely. The kids destroyed the house and I camped out on the couch. Yet I only got worse.....I hauled my big butt into the ER.......
Isn't it lovely how as a mother, when you are sick, you have no energy to feed yourself...yet you must summon the internal strength that got you through every labor pain, to ensure your children have eaten. Where does that strength come from? As a religious person I would say it is God's gift to mothers.
The ER was probably the best place for me. They gave me an IV and some toradol. I actually felt better, I was able to eat and I got a good night's rest. Friday has proved to be less fruitful. I got the kids off to daycare. It was PJ day!! YIPPEE
I sat around all day and waited for my Mr. to get online...he didn't. But at this point in the game. No news is good news. Isn't that what I am supposed to tell myself? Funny thing is my head understands that but everything else is wound up tight. I decided to sleep the day away!! It felt good. Now it is bedtime...two down....one to go!!! She will crash in a few!! LOL
The good thing is, is there are so many wonderful people in my life right now. I hope I can one day do for them, what they have done for me. Without them, this cold would seem like Mt Everest.
Halloween just does not seem to be our holiday...last year all three kids were sick. Daddy fixed it though...he bought them a movie and some candy and we all camped out on the living room floor. Giving me a break I desperately needed that week. Now here I am with all the weight on my shoulders.
Super woman could not do the things we as Army Wives do. We hold it all together.........why? Wouldn't it be so much easier to let it all go? How much easier would life be right now if I did not have to shoulder this? I notice that I can not even call it a burden........In my heart it isn't. It is just something I do. I keep the home fires burning so he has a safe place to come home to. Why? Because I love him. Because he is my friend. Because I know he would do the same for me. He did not ask me to do this. We decided together that this is the life we would have. I can ask him to ask for a safer job.....but would he really be happy? Would he be satisfied with that?
I can only imagine the stress he is under.....living in fear for his life and the way of life for his family. Yet, I wonder if he understands what goes on at home. Does he feel how much we love and miss him? Does he know we wake up each morning and thank God no one has knocked on our door. Does he know how it breaks my heart to hear his children cry for him? I wonder if he knows just what goes into running this family.....................and sometimes I wonder if he appreciates just what I do for him..............

Who needs a closet??

Oh what a day! Good thing it is almost over....
Woke up to the world outside covered in snow.....awe how pretty!! It really was beautiful.......got the kids to daycare and off I went on my little hike....not sure how far I walk but boy it hurts when I get done....I really hope it is at least 3 miles....although I really don't think it is that far! LOL Got home and got some homework done....which is what I should be working on now but I am too distracted.
So the dam has broken.....the numbness and shock has faded and has been replaced with tears, sadness, and frustration! The realization that we are going to go 8 months without seeing our guy. I know that 8 months is better than 12 and way better than 15 but dammit!! I want him home! I want him to hear him say at the end of the day that everything is going to be ok. I don't want to have to close my eyes and imagine him here with me. I don't want to walk into the closet and see all his clothes just there....like he is going to walk through the door any minute and change into his favorite shorts and tshirt. That is what broke the dam...I walked in to grab a sweatshirt and there is all his stuff....his favorite shoes, his baseball hats, a pair of sunglasses.....just waiting, like me.....for someone to come in and make them feel alive again.
I feel like I am just going through the motions....like everything is auto pilot. There is no room for spontaneity, everything has to be planned just in case something happens and I need to call someone.
I don't want to hear something funny and not be able to call him and tell him how funny it was. I am so tired of living around my computer HOPING that he will get online so that I know he is alive and safe. I can't turn on the news or the computer without a headline begging to be read....just to add to my fears.
I am tired of having to hold back tears and be the strong one for my baby girls as they cry for their daddy. How do I reassure them that he is ok, when I don't even know for sure? Tired of watching the clock to see if he might be online because of the time. Then being frustrated and angry that he didn't get online and he didn't call and I sat at home all day doing nothing. Not that there is really anything for me to do or anywhere for me to be. Since all of my friends are either at work or in another state. Because once again...the minute we found people we liked and enjoyed being around the PCS rug was pulled out from under us and we had to move to a whole new state!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to be MAD at him, I want to yell at him, and I pray that he calls so I do just that!! So I can give him a piece of my mind about how stupid I think deployments are....Then the phone rings and all I can think of is how happy I am that he is safe and calling home. The sound of his voice erases all the frustrations and I wouldn't be able to tell him I was mad at him in a million years!! The void that is carried everyday is filled with just the sound of his voice...and for 15 minutes all is right in the world.....then he has to hang up and that void opens up bigger than ever. And it hurts so much to tell him goodbye....but I don't cry....I have to be strong....for him, for the kids, for his mom, and for myself. I have to be the Atlas of our family. Balance the world on my shoulders, so no one thinks that anything is wrong. No wonder I am tired. but who else is going to do it? I sure do not see the masses rushing in to pick up the pieces that fall on the floor when he is sent away.

Let's just smile! :D

Another good day. I had procrastinated long enough on this whole Halloween thing. The kids and I went shopping today for Halloween costumes. And of course we have to look at anything on sale! LOL I am not dressing up this year...it is just silly to chase three kids while dressed as a bottle of ketchup. I am still trying to decide what to do next weekend. Since Halloween is Saturday and my birthday is on Monday. The plan is to head to NM to hang out with my mom AKA "Grammy!" Ha I know she never thought she would be called Grammy! The name does not fit her at all!! LOL But she fits the mold very well. These monsters can do no wrong in her eyes! Little does she know what heathens they truly are! Ha!! Of course it all depends on the weather....I am sure not driving in the snow!
While we didn't get to talk to our Soldier today, I did get to chat with him yesterday. He seems in good spirits and it sounds like he is working hard. I wish I knew for sure just "what" he is doing. I guess I will just call it "Soldier stuff"! I put a box in the mail for him. I guess he is getting cold at night since he asked for a blanket. He sure wouldn't be cold if he was in my bed! (hee hee!)
Several things to look forward to in the coming weeks....Monday Night Football @ Invesco Field! Bring on the beer!!!! A trip to Breckenridge, Co, for Thanksgiving....maybe i will try my hand at skiing...or would that be, try my feet at skiing?? LOL The end of another vicious semester! This one is sure kicking my butt. Not sure what the plan is for Christmas. I will have some time off, maybe I will volunteer with the USO or at the VA hospital. Those are two groups I truly believe in. The kids and I might go somewhere for Christmas....anyone know of somewhere warm we can go for cheap??
Almost time for the UT game! Hook 'em Horns! Lets go for 7 and 0!!!!

My Moon and my Stars....

Last night was an adventure in mommy land......Let's get some back ground covered. My husband and I are parents to three wonderful children. All of whom are under age 5. There is never a dull moment at our house. Which at times can be everything from wonderful to crazy!! well last night was a CRAZY!! My oldest child decided it was her mission to be on dog patrol. We have a 4 month old yellow lab. His name is Duke....yes we named him for the hot Army guy on GI Joe!! LOL Anyway she is on her dog patrol mission when she realizes that he has wandered upstairs to the FORBIDDEN zone. The master bedroom. It is off limits 1) it is upstairs, 2) that is OUR space. No toys, no kids. They rule the rest of the house. I didn't see her go upstairs....but oh boy I sure saw her come down. I hear a blood curdling scream and here she comes DOWN the stairs head first. Well as you can imagine I FREAK out! She lands on her head with a thud and her body flies over her! I rush to her...all three steps it took to get to her. (the longest walk of my life!) I get to her she is conscious and aware and as white as a sheet of paper. I call the ER and they say "call an ambulance." I did not call the ambulance but I did take her in. She was in a great deal of pain and pretty frazzled. They rushed her in put her little neck in a collar and evaluated her. Because she was in pain they did a CT scan of her head and neck. She is FINE, thankfully. She gave me a good scare and I think she scared herself pretty badly as well. I was calm, cool and collected the whole time. Until I got home and then I realized that she could have been really hurt and as a mother, that really frightened me. We are all better now...once again calm, cool and collected.
And now onto little man....this child is a light at the end of the tunnel. He is happy and funny and lovable. He is like a small bear. Rough and rugged. Always trying to ride the dog like a horse. Soft and cuddly always ready to climb in a lap for a hug or a kiss or to get you to wrestle with him. Well he has taken a shine to my dress shoes. (the poor boy is surrounded by girls) He calls them "glass slippers" as do his sisters. This morning as I was dressing he walks out of my closet wearing my silver heels. Just looking as at home in them as he does in his little John Deere boots. I couldn't help it, I had to laugh. Now his Daddy would not be happy that he can actually walk in those shoes! and his feet looked kind of cute!! hahahahaha.....I traded the glass slippers for some goofy slippers and my husband's manhood can stay in tact. When lil man got to the bottom of the stairs (with my help of course!) he removes his slippers and throws them at his sisters to initiate the sibling war that is a constant on my living room floor.
Now add this to yesterday.....When he bit his older sister because she had "his" purse!! ROFL He was mad his purse had all of his important things, his cars and his blocks.....we have to protect the things that we enjoy having around.
My moon and my stars....the three things that light my life when the world is a little bit dark. They are my reason for putting a smile on my face. They are the reason I can laugh everyday.
My little heroes......the ones that always know when momma needs a hug, even if she doesn't think she does.

How do you feel today??

I don't even know how I feel today................How often can a person say that?? and what brings someone to say something like that? Isn't that what we are taught...to feel? What does it mean when you can't decide what to feel...or how to react to not really feeling anything??
I want to be mad! Mad that the life we have chosen as a military family leaves us all lonely. I am not the only one that is lonely...he is lonely, our children are lonely, heck I even think my goofy dog is lonely. As we sat down to dinner the other night, my oldest child tells me......we aren't a family without Daddy. DAMN!!! What do you say to that?? Is it true? are we not a family? Is that what him being gone does? Does it destroy us?? I would like to think not. How do I reassure this little person that we are in fact a family? How do I tell her that something in her Daddy makes him want to help people. We all know no one joins the Army to be a rich man!! And no one marries a Soldier thinking they will bask in the glow of silver in gold......How do I make her see that one day she will be reading about Soldiers in a history book? and that her Daddy is part of a legacy that is centuries old....How do I tell her that we are a family? Even though I feel the same way. Our family is not whole without him at the table, or on the couch or even just down the street. There is an aching hole left in all of us that only he can fill.
I want to be mad that the Army has taken my friend.....the one person that will tell me if my butt looks fat in my jeans...ok so maybe he won't because all he heard was "look at my butt!!" My very best friend is somewhere out there doing a job that I have no idea what it entails. My best friend...that I can't call anytime I want to just to hear his voice. My best friend that holds me when I just want to cry. The best friend that steals the covers and wonders why I sleep on his side of the bed! HAHA
I want to be sad.....sad that I am all alone. Sad that I get to spend another birthday, anniversary, and Christmas season with the kids. Sad that I will get to see them open gifts and stuff their face, while he is somewhere dangerous. Sad because I have to call his mom and tell her he is ok....even if I really don't know. Sad that someone ringing my door bell scares the hell out of me. Sad that when I see a Soldier with his family, I am envious! Sad that when I see a group of buses escorted by MP's I want to cry.
When we were at the airport waiting for our plane to board to Hawaii.....there were several Soldiers returning to duty after their R&R. I remember one family that we saw. I am not sure if Allen ever saw them or if I pointed them out. It was a young Soldier, his wife and a baby. I remember looking over and I see him cradle this child in his arms. I see his unshed tears as he kisses the baby's forehead and hands her back to her mother. The Soldier and the wife embrace......and she holds onto him as if she will never let go........he pulls away...they are calling his flight.......he turns to walk away and she just stands there.....until she can't see him anymore. As she turns to walk away I catch her eye.............and all I see is pain and love.......What do you say? That you are sorry? Or that you know how she feels? Or thank you? That she has the strength to watch him get on that plane....that she has the strength to carry their family through while he is gone.
But I can't be either of those things. I have to get up everyday and look at the world and try to find the happiness...because "when he gets home, it will all be worth it."
Really will it?? Do the powers that be truly see what we as an Army family go through? Do they see the tears of sadness and anguish that fall from a wife's eyes? Do they feel the heartbreak of a mother's heart when she hears her child cry for the Daddy they haven't seen in weeks? Do they understand the fear of a father that his oldest child may not return to care for his family? Do they understand the sorrow of a Mother as she watches her grown child put on that uniform and board the plane for a destination she has only read about? Do they see the exhaustion at the end of the day?
I think my driving force through all of this is the strength I see in Military families. I know that it is not easy to wake up and know he has to go away. There have been so many people in my life as an Army wife that have given me strength and wisdom to be able to be who I am. From the laughs in Leavenworth, KS to the bottle of wine at Ft Hood, TX. And the fries @ Dairy Queen after the Soldier show. Oh and the late night pool dunks!!! (ROFL) And not to mention our Tuesday all you can eat Pizza Hut nights. Oh good times! Those people have given me the strength to get up everyday and try to find the good and the happy with who I am and where we are in our lives.
Deep down I know that somewhere, someone is benefiting from the presence of the US Military. I understand that we must help those who can not help them selves. I am a believer in Justice and Freedom. I have never known what it is like to be oppressed or belittled for my beliefs. I pray that there is never a day that Americans will ever learn what being oppressed is all about.
I can't even cry at this point...three weeks into it and I haven't shed a tear. I have been on the verge of tears and I cried the day he left............where does all this go? Will it erupt the next time I am at the commissary and Little Billy is crying for a soda? Or when I get to daycare and see a Soldier there with his child?
How do I know that what I feel is normal? Is it normal to be numb? How do you find the beauty of a sunny day when all you see is gloominess?
I want to be happy...I want to be joyful.....I want to be content.....How do I get there? How do I find myself while he is gone?? How do I breathe without him??
I guess I just have to get up everyday and see what it has brought to me................

My son ate my homework!!!

Ok so he really didn't eat it! But he might as well have. I am an over achiever and a classic procrastinator....haha what a combo huh?? LOL I am currently working on silly classes for my Criminal Justice degree. I have my associates but to get my bachelor's I need "educational" classes....science, math, another English and a couple of history classes. I am basically in limbo between a community college and an University! Again thanks to the Army!! LOL But it is all good it has given me plenty of life experience.....On to my story..............
I have been working on my essay for history for two weeks. I finished it yesterday.....all I had to to was type it up and submit it! Well that is until my SON, the MONSTER, child decided it would make a better piece of ART!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I can see some of it but most of it is colored with various colors of marker and crayons not to mention the holes he poked in most of the papers!!! I really wanted to be mad at him but I just couldn't. It is my fault I left the notebook where he could reach it! And you would think after two years I would have learned to keep things HIGH out of his reach!!! So now I have to salvage what I can and redo the rest.
On another note............I talked to my honey today.....a much better conversation. Even so far away he knows my moods........**sigh** I love that guy! Our daughters call him their Prince Charming!! or Big Poppa...(we have no idea where it came from......but it is hilarious, especially if you have ever seen my husband!!! LOL) He is kind of a Prince Charming, well except the shining armor has been replaced with ACU patterned armor, he carries a semi automatic rifle instead of sword and his trusty stead is an up armored humvee!! I can picture him in my mind all decked out in his serious Army guy suit and it makes me laugh. The best picture of him, in my mind, is him at the beach, while we were in Hawaii.......Laying back on a lounge chair, in swim trunks and a smile...............not a worry in the world. Oh good times!!!
We have decided that a family trip, once a year, is what we are going to do for our "big" Christmas thing. While the kids do not understand it now, eventually they will. Our three kids are so spoiled...they have everything they could possibly want or need. We think that we need to show them what family is. While there may not be a Hawaii trip every year, we are going to take time to go somewhere, just the 5 of us. No computer, no phones, and as few distractions as possible. The week we spent in Hawaii was absolutely AMAZING. No one could call, our phones were off. No laptop to distract anyone and no cable TV. 6 days of just us........awe the memories.
The holiday season will be a little bit lonely but we will get through it all.....Hopefully the weather will cooperated here in Colorado and the kids and I can go to Breckenridge for Thanksgiving. Not sure what the plans will be for Christmas. I have an idea but not sure how far I want to take it.
Now to get ready for the FRG meeting tonight...we are getting ready to stuff goody bags for our Soldiers in Afghanistan. Then it is home for baths maybe a little bit of TV and of course the ever present homework.......

Shopping!!

Well I just have to put this down on paper before my head explodes!!!!!
So I am on a WalMart boycott. For the simple reason that most of their staff is rude!!! Off to Target I go!! Woohooo...I have started a new habit of taking my ipod when I go shopping. Keeps me from wanting to scold other peoples children, well I left it in the car.....BIG mistake.
I do my shopping, I find what I went in for and some stuff that I didn't LOL funny how that works out! ha!! Off to check out....and here is where the fun starts..........................There are two ladies in front of me. One of them is obviously upset and had probably been crying. As I get closer I see that she is crying......her husband has just left for Iraq. Oh boy we all know how that hits. As we stand in line, I can over hear the conversation they are having. The lady tells the crying lady....."oh it isn't that bad, Bob goes out of town all the time for business and I do fine!!" HOLD THE PHONE!!! WHAT???? Did she just compare a deployment to a business trip???
Now if you really know me...you know that I am either about to lose my mind or I have already said something. Today she was spared my wrath...........for low and behold the lady behind the register had overheard the conversation as well...................and she says, to the crying lady......"it is hard but you will get through it...with faith, good friends, and a whole lot of wine!" (I thought the wine part was great! LOL)
She turns to the business man's wife and says, "hun do you sleep with the phone under your pillow while he is away? Do you stop breathing when the door bell rings? Do tears come to your eyes when you hear taps or the Star Spangled Banner? That is the difference between your husband's business trip and her husband's deployment." Of course the business man's wife had nothing more to say!!
I was speechless. The words the checkout lady used were so much nicer than what I would have said to the business man's wife. But hey that is just me!!!

So tonight I will open the bottle of wine I have and say a toast...to faith, good friends and to all those strangers and friends that are walking the same mile I am!!!!!!

what to do??

Oh so many things on my mind......
where to start??
Awe we shall start with two weeks ago...I know a blog should be done daily for it to have the greatest effect...well I barely remember half the things that NEED to be done much less my blog! LOL
So Lil Bit decides she is going to be sick.....not just a little bit sick but SICK!!! Which is so much fun since I am doing it all alone again. So no sleep for three days...she seems to be better...we go back to the normal routine and BAM sick again.....with the fears of the H1N1 virus and her asthma I am starting to freak out.....then I realize she only got sick after I let her have milk after her temp came down. So the new question would be....is she lactose intolerant?? Of course what else could it be? Off to the Dr again on Fri. (Is it bad when the pediatricians staff addresses you like you are old friends?) LOL Sure enough she is lactose intolerant. No milk products for missy! We have started her on Lactaid milk to see if it is the sugar or the protein in milk that is making her sick. So far so good, it seems it is the sugar in milk and not the protein. Keep your fingers crossed!! added to the asthma she has, now we have to watch for severe allergies since all of these things seem to walk hand in hand. Poor Lil Bit, she is my one that has to have all of the health issues!!!
Now I am trying to deal with the communication with my husband. Or the lack there of............They have moved him from one FOB to another. He claims he is happier there than the other place. I have no idea since I have no idea what was going on anyway. He gets online for 10 mins a day and I am supposed to be happy with that. While I know I should be but umm really he works on a computer...he can't send a damn email?? Or write a letter? When he calls he wants to talk about football....I guess since I LIVE for football on the weekends. (you sense the sarcasm there don't you!!) LOL What really aggravates me is it is ALL about the Soldier. Funny how people just see the family as being there. The Soldier gets everything. The NFL cheerleaders go shake their asses for them...Where are the Chip n Dale dancers?? Why can't they come and shake their ass at me for free?? I don't want them for anything but a good laugh, but come on...what is good for the goose is good for the Gander!!! Where is my laundry staff?? Where are my R&R days so I can gather myself and get ready for the rest of the deployment? Where is my ceremony telling me what a great job I did while at home dealing with EVERYTHING?? Eh so today I am a little bit bitter. You can not tell me that I am the only one that has ever felt like this. While I give the Army credit for trying to get some things for the family right they still have a long way to go. Until the Army makes the programs truly for the Soldier and the military family, much easier to access and use there will always be problems.
As an Army wife, you get to sit back and listen to people that are against everything the one you love believes in. You have to bite your tongue just so you don't shove theirs down their throats. Because you know that humility is what makes you the better person. Then you have to go home and listen to your babies cry for their Daddy, and you know you don't have the words to comfort them. All you can do is sit there and hold them while they cry in your arms. And your heart breaks over and over again.
Then you get the phone call you live for. Regardless of the time, you get excited that the phone is ringing and it is the voice you love on the other end. All your problems go out the door. They are safe and alive and calling home!!! What a day! So you spend 15 mins on the phone talking about nothing that matters at all because that is what HE wants to talk about. And heaven forbid we talk about the real issues like the water heater leaking and how much it will cost or how Lil Bit is doing, or that the truck is making a funny noise. No we talk about insignificant things so that the Soldier doesn't stress. And people wonder why military wives are a little on the odd side!!!! Or why sometimes it looks like they fell out of the pj tree and all we own are sweat pants and ratty tshirts!!!!! Ugh do I feel better now?? not sure ask me later.......................................