Who needs a closet??

Oh what a day! Good thing it is almost over....
Woke up to the world outside covered in snow.....awe how pretty!! It really was beautiful.......got the kids to daycare and off I went on my little hike....not sure how far I walk but boy it hurts when I get done....I really hope it is at least 3 miles....although I really don't think it is that far! LOL Got home and got some homework done....which is what I should be working on now but I am too distracted.
So the dam has broken.....the numbness and shock has faded and has been replaced with tears, sadness, and frustration! The realization that we are going to go 8 months without seeing our guy. I know that 8 months is better than 12 and way better than 15 but dammit!! I want him home! I want him to hear him say at the end of the day that everything is going to be ok. I don't want to have to close my eyes and imagine him here with me. I don't want to walk into the closet and see all his clothes just there....like he is going to walk through the door any minute and change into his favorite shorts and tshirt. That is what broke the dam...I walked in to grab a sweatshirt and there is all his stuff....his favorite shoes, his baseball hats, a pair of sunglasses.....just waiting, like me.....for someone to come in and make them feel alive again.
I feel like I am just going through the motions....like everything is auto pilot. There is no room for spontaneity, everything has to be planned just in case something happens and I need to call someone.
I don't want to hear something funny and not be able to call him and tell him how funny it was. I am so tired of living around my computer HOPING that he will get online so that I know he is alive and safe. I can't turn on the news or the computer without a headline begging to be read....just to add to my fears.
I am tired of having to hold back tears and be the strong one for my baby girls as they cry for their daddy. How do I reassure them that he is ok, when I don't even know for sure? Tired of watching the clock to see if he might be online because of the time. Then being frustrated and angry that he didn't get online and he didn't call and I sat at home all day doing nothing. Not that there is really anything for me to do or anywhere for me to be. Since all of my friends are either at work or in another state. Because once again...the minute we found people we liked and enjoyed being around the PCS rug was pulled out from under us and we had to move to a whole new state!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to be MAD at him, I want to yell at him, and I pray that he calls so I do just that!! So I can give him a piece of my mind about how stupid I think deployments are....Then the phone rings and all I can think of is how happy I am that he is safe and calling home. The sound of his voice erases all the frustrations and I wouldn't be able to tell him I was mad at him in a million years!! The void that is carried everyday is filled with just the sound of his voice...and for 15 minutes all is right in the world.....then he has to hang up and that void opens up bigger than ever. And it hurts so much to tell him goodbye....but I don't cry....I have to be strong....for him, for the kids, for his mom, and for myself. I have to be the Atlas of our family. Balance the world on my shoulders, so no one thinks that anything is wrong. No wonder I am tired. but who else is going to do it? I sure do not see the masses rushing in to pick up the pieces that fall on the floor when he is sent away.