I don't even know how I feel today................How often can a person say that?? and what brings someone to say something like that? Isn't that what we are taught...to feel? What does it mean when you can't decide what to feel...or how to react to not really feeling anything??
I want to be mad! Mad that the life we have chosen as a military family leaves us all lonely. I am not the only one that is lonely...he is lonely, our children are lonely, heck I even think my goofy dog is lonely. As we sat down to dinner the other night, my oldest child tells me......we aren't a family without Daddy. DAMN!!! What do you say to that?? Is it true? are we not a family? Is that what him being gone does? Does it destroy us?? I would like to think not. How do I reassure this little person that we are in fact a family? How do I tell her that something in her Daddy makes him want to help people. We all know no one joins the Army to be a rich man!! And no one marries a Soldier thinking they will bask in the glow of silver in gold......How do I make her see that one day she will be reading about Soldiers in a history book? and that her Daddy is part of a legacy that is centuries old....How do I tell her that we are a family? Even though I feel the same way. Our family is not whole without him at the table, or on the couch or even just down the street. There is an aching hole left in all of us that only he can fill.
I want to be mad that the Army has taken my friend.....the one person that will tell me if my butt looks fat in my jeans...ok so maybe he won't because all he heard was "look at my butt!!" My very best friend is somewhere out there doing a job that I have no idea what it entails. My best friend...that I can't call anytime I want to just to hear his voice. My best friend that holds me when I just want to cry. The best friend that steals the covers and wonders why I sleep on his side of the bed! HAHA
I want to be sad.....sad that I am all alone. Sad that I get to spend another birthday, anniversary, and Christmas season with the kids. Sad that I will get to see them open gifts and stuff their face, while he is somewhere dangerous. Sad because I have to call his mom and tell her he is ok....even if I really don't know. Sad that someone ringing my door bell scares the hell out of me. Sad that when I see a Soldier with his family, I am envious! Sad that when I see a group of buses escorted by MP's I want to cry.
When we were at the airport waiting for our plane to board to Hawaii.....there were several Soldiers returning to duty after their R&R. I remember one family that we saw. I am not sure if Allen ever saw them or if I pointed them out. It was a young Soldier, his wife and a baby. I remember looking over and I see him cradle this child in his arms. I see his unshed tears as he kisses the baby's forehead and hands her back to her mother. The Soldier and the wife embrace......and she holds onto him as if she will never let go........he pulls away...they are calling his flight.......he turns to walk away and she just stands there.....until she can't see him anymore. As she turns to walk away I catch her eye.............and all I see is pain and love.......What do you say? That you are sorry? Or that you know how she feels? Or thank you? That she has the strength to watch him get on that plane....that she has the strength to carry their family through while he is gone.
But I can't be either of those things. I have to get up everyday and look at the world and try to find the happiness...because "when he gets home, it will all be worth it."
Really will it?? Do the powers that be truly see what we as an Army family go through? Do they see the tears of sadness and anguish that fall from a wife's eyes? Do they feel the heartbreak of a mother's heart when she hears her child cry for the Daddy they haven't seen in weeks? Do they understand the fear of a father that his oldest child may not return to care for his family? Do they understand the sorrow of a Mother as she watches her grown child put on that uniform and board the plane for a destination she has only read about? Do they see the exhaustion at the end of the day?
I think my driving force through all of this is the strength I see in Military families. I know that it is not easy to wake up and know he has to go away. There have been so many people in my life as an Army wife that have given me strength and wisdom to be able to be who I am. From the laughs in Leavenworth, KS to the bottle of wine at Ft Hood, TX. And the fries @ Dairy Queen after the Soldier show. Oh and the late night pool dunks!!! (ROFL) And not to mention our Tuesday all you can eat Pizza Hut nights. Oh good times! Those people have given me the strength to get up everyday and try to find the good and the happy with who I am and where we are in our lives.
Deep down I know that somewhere, someone is benefiting from the presence of the US Military. I understand that we must help those who can not help them selves. I am a believer in Justice and Freedom. I have never known what it is like to be oppressed or belittled for my beliefs. I pray that there is never a day that Americans will ever learn what being oppressed is all about.
I can't even cry at this point...three weeks into it and I haven't shed a tear. I have been on the verge of tears and I cried the day he left............where does all this go? Will it erupt the next time I am at the commissary and Little Billy is crying for a soda? Or when I get to daycare and see a Soldier there with his child?
How do I know that what I feel is normal? Is it normal to be numb? How do you find the beauty of a sunny day when all you see is gloominess?
I want to be happy...I want to be joyful.....I want to be content.....How do I get there? How do I find myself while he is gone?? How do I breathe without him??
I guess I just have to get up everyday and see what it has brought to me................
No comments:
Post a Comment