wow I am his mistress after all.
Yes, that is me. Otherwise known, as Army wife. Contradictory, I know. Let's break it down. Girl meets boy, girl thinks boy is awesome because he looks HOT in BDU's. Boy and Girl fall in love..Girl says "I Do" Unfortunately Boy has already said, "I will" to the Army. It is not obvious when Girl says "I do" that "I will" has already been uttered. Boy makes girl think she is his world!
Then reality hits.....3 children, 2 dogs, 3 pcs moves, 2 deployments, hundreds of TDY's later, girl realizes that yes she is in fact the mistress and boy is married to the Army.
While some of you might see this as a bitch and complain story, I think most anyone that reads it will completely understand.....
90 days home and we hit a wall. Not a physical wall that causes damage that you can see. We have hit an emotional wall, a wall that slowly takes the will to try away. Not because no one wants to go over the wall but because neither boy nor girl know what to do to get over the wall. Do they break it down? Do they climb over it? Do they ignore it?? Who the hell knows...
All I know is that it seems like boy is some where else entirely. Not really home but not really gone. Oh sure he goes through the motions, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.
How does girl get boy to see that something is off? Without nagging or yelling or demanding? When boy got home from Iraq there were definite signs that boy was still adjusting to life at home. 15 months is a long time to live away from your family, we adjusted and we found our way. Just when things hit a smooth patch we had to move. Then came another deployment. Now here we are trying to figure out how to get over this wall.
Girl doesn't want boy to cook or clean or handle ALL of the domestic chores. All girl wants is for boy to make her his priority every once in awhile. So that she remembers what it is about him she finds so irresistable....TIME....yup that is what she wants. She wants boy to MAKE time for her in his life. To listen to what she has to say and really hear and understand where Girl is....I guess we will get there at some point...it is just taking longer to figure out how to destroy the damn wall....
until next time.......................
Daisypath Friendship tickers
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Are you my father??
One day this summer my sister and I were strolling through the store when we came across the Dr Seuss book "Are you my mother?" We laughed and talked about our mother, one of the greatest women we know. She has been my rock and my shoulder for more my entire life. Even when I would get mad and blame life circumstances on her, she took the abuse and loved me everyday. She took the blame that I put on her shoulders and showed me how to be a good person, how to be responsible. She taught me life skills and lessons that can only be taught with an open heart and a strong will.
It makes me wonder how different my life would be had my father stuck around. I don't know why they got divorced, I really don't want to know. All I know is that you lose a certain part of you when the man that is supposed to be your example of who to choose as your mate, chooses to walk away and never look back. My father left when I was 5, from then on he flitted in and out of my life to his convenience. We all know how hard it is to travel with a family, and his "new" family was growing. I hated him for several miserable years, not like you hate someone for doing you wrong. I hated him for all he had taken from me. I would never attend a father/daughter dance. My father would never walk me down the aisle. My father would never bounce my children, his grandchildren on his knee. One day I thought about it...I didn't make him leave. No, my mom and him couldn't be in the same room together without tension growing so thick you could cut it with a knife. But he never fought for me either, he never declared I was his child and he would be a part of my life come hell or high water. No he walked away and then let me walk away. I went to live with him and his family I was probably 13. I knew it all and my mom was crazy, I was hell bent on proving that my father was the man that I had on a pedestal and she knew nothing. How wrong I was. Here I am believing with every ounce of my being that the grass is a whole lot greener on the other side. It might have been, had someone cared long enough to water it. Maybe it is all in my mind, but here is what I remember of that summer....long days alone with my sister and her sister. Which was fine, the three of us got along great. Until I found myself alone, their grandma would pick them up to go shopping and leave me behind. They lived on a long country road in MT, I had no way of making friends and I had left all my friends in NM. I was lonely and sad and no one cared, at least it seemed to me. So I did what any kid my age would do, I cried for my mom.
I know my father didn't want to take me home...heaven forbid...he might actually have to pay child support!! Imagine that! I remember calling my Daddy Dave, I think I called him on a Friday..I was home the next Wednesday. To this day I have no idea what my Grandfather told my father, all I know is I got home, where I belonged.
After that..communication with my father ceased to exist. He let me walk away, instead of making me part of his life, he let me go. He didn't fight, he didn't demand that I stay, he didn't even ask...he just let me go. and I hated him for it! For years I carried the weight of hate around with me.
Until now, I don't hate him and I don't pity him. I am so very thankful to the people that have cared enough about me to make me a part of their lives! I thank God every day for the greatest gift of my life, my Mother! She has been there for every milestone in my life! From the day I was born, to my wedding and the births of my children. She gets to see who I have become as a person, she gets to be a part of my children's lives, and better yet we get to be friends! We get to see love and life together as adults, and he misses that. He made a choice, he left.
I have attempted to rebuild that bridge that the both of us tore down....but it takes two. I have done my part. I have forgiven him for leaving, I have forgiven the empty promises and the broken dreams. I have moved on. Apparently he has not, he is still content to sit back and not be a part of my life....and finally I am ok with that!!!
It makes me wonder how different my life would be had my father stuck around. I don't know why they got divorced, I really don't want to know. All I know is that you lose a certain part of you when the man that is supposed to be your example of who to choose as your mate, chooses to walk away and never look back. My father left when I was 5, from then on he flitted in and out of my life to his convenience. We all know how hard it is to travel with a family, and his "new" family was growing. I hated him for several miserable years, not like you hate someone for doing you wrong. I hated him for all he had taken from me. I would never attend a father/daughter dance. My father would never walk me down the aisle. My father would never bounce my children, his grandchildren on his knee. One day I thought about it...I didn't make him leave. No, my mom and him couldn't be in the same room together without tension growing so thick you could cut it with a knife. But he never fought for me either, he never declared I was his child and he would be a part of my life come hell or high water. No he walked away and then let me walk away. I went to live with him and his family I was probably 13. I knew it all and my mom was crazy, I was hell bent on proving that my father was the man that I had on a pedestal and she knew nothing. How wrong I was. Here I am believing with every ounce of my being that the grass is a whole lot greener on the other side. It might have been, had someone cared long enough to water it. Maybe it is all in my mind, but here is what I remember of that summer....long days alone with my sister and her sister. Which was fine, the three of us got along great. Until I found myself alone, their grandma would pick them up to go shopping and leave me behind. They lived on a long country road in MT, I had no way of making friends and I had left all my friends in NM. I was lonely and sad and no one cared, at least it seemed to me. So I did what any kid my age would do, I cried for my mom.
I know my father didn't want to take me home...heaven forbid...he might actually have to pay child support!! Imagine that! I remember calling my Daddy Dave, I think I called him on a Friday..I was home the next Wednesday. To this day I have no idea what my Grandfather told my father, all I know is I got home, where I belonged.
After that..communication with my father ceased to exist. He let me walk away, instead of making me part of his life, he let me go. He didn't fight, he didn't demand that I stay, he didn't even ask...he just let me go. and I hated him for it! For years I carried the weight of hate around with me.
Until now, I don't hate him and I don't pity him. I am so very thankful to the people that have cared enough about me to make me a part of their lives! I thank God every day for the greatest gift of my life, my Mother! She has been there for every milestone in my life! From the day I was born, to my wedding and the births of my children. She gets to see who I have become as a person, she gets to be a part of my children's lives, and better yet we get to be friends! We get to see love and life together as adults, and he misses that. He made a choice, he left.
I have attempted to rebuild that bridge that the both of us tore down....but it takes two. I have done my part. I have forgiven him for leaving, I have forgiven the empty promises and the broken dreams. I have moved on. Apparently he has not, he is still content to sit back and not be a part of my life....and finally I am ok with that!!!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
All grown up!
I stand on the brink as you get closer to the edge. Everyday that passes you take a step closer. One day soon you will step off that edge to spread your wings and fly. My heart will soar with you as you find your way. Know that I will miss you but I will wait with a light on for your return.
This is not for my children. But for the child of my heart, my sister. She will be graduating high school in May. I am so proud of her and all she will do and all she has done. She has decided to join the United States Air Force. There is no prouder parent than I. I have seen her grow into a smart, beautiful and brave young woman. She will change the world!!
I knew this year would get here. A year of lasts and a year of firsts. I am just not prepared for what it does to my heart! If this is how I will feel when my own children begin their wonderful journey into life, I don't know that I will ever be prepared. Yet, here we are (my mom and I), since I have had a hand in raising her. Maybe not as much as I would have liked, but hopefully I have been able to show this beautiful person that there is a world of possibilities out there!! The world is at her fingertips. She will continue to grow and learn and I know in my heart of hearts we will always be together, no matter where she roams!! So here's to you, Ashlie, on your year of lasts and firsts!! and remember if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, or a hug to keep you strong I am no more than a phone call away!! I love you and I am so very proud of you!!
This is not for my children. But for the child of my heart, my sister. She will be graduating high school in May. I am so proud of her and all she will do and all she has done. She has decided to join the United States Air Force. There is no prouder parent than I. I have seen her grow into a smart, beautiful and brave young woman. She will change the world!!
I knew this year would get here. A year of lasts and a year of firsts. I am just not prepared for what it does to my heart! If this is how I will feel when my own children begin their wonderful journey into life, I don't know that I will ever be prepared. Yet, here we are (my mom and I), since I have had a hand in raising her. Maybe not as much as I would have liked, but hopefully I have been able to show this beautiful person that there is a world of possibilities out there!! The world is at her fingertips. She will continue to grow and learn and I know in my heart of hearts we will always be together, no matter where she roams!! So here's to you, Ashlie, on your year of lasts and firsts!! and remember if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, or a hug to keep you strong I am no more than a phone call away!! I love you and I am so very proud of you!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
time.....
Time is a relative term. Time flies, time slows, time speeds by......
I have always thought of a lifetime as being great lengths of time. Reality is, a lifetime can be seconds of time, minutes, maybe even hours. I came to this conclusion on probably the worst day of my life. I know others hold this day as the very worst of theirs too. What started as a phone call to wish congratulations turned into a week of learning and finding new appreciation for the value of time and life. June 25 was a day of joy DG graced us with her tiny appearance and continued her battle to live. Unfortunately her little body was just not strong enough to withstand all the complications. June 26 is a day filled with sorrow and grief. Even though DG was not my child by birth my heart aches that I will never see her grow, I will never hear her laugh, or even know what color her eyes were. Yet, I know she is in a place where there is no pain and no suffering. I don't know all the reasons she was sent. But I do know that my family is blessed beyond reason to be who we are. We may not see eye to eye on everything but when the goings get tough we are there to support each other. These are the words I wrote for DG's momma the day we buried our precious Angel.
The blessing of a child can only be called a miracle. The loss of a child can only be called a tragedy. There are no words or reasons that can fill the emptiness that losing you has created. Yet, in your short life you managed to do what most strive for on a daily basis. You moved mountains with your strength and filled oceans with your love. We do not mourn because you were taken from us, we mourn because we were not taken with you. All we ask of you sweet angel, is that you smile down on us from the Kingdom of Heaven to the path of love so that we may be together again some day.
There really are no words to diminish the pain of losing a child. I grieve everyday for this baby, I know I will never heal from this wound. Right now it is about learning to live with the ache.......
I have always thought of a lifetime as being great lengths of time. Reality is, a lifetime can be seconds of time, minutes, maybe even hours. I came to this conclusion on probably the worst day of my life. I know others hold this day as the very worst of theirs too. What started as a phone call to wish congratulations turned into a week of learning and finding new appreciation for the value of time and life. June 25 was a day of joy DG graced us with her tiny appearance and continued her battle to live. Unfortunately her little body was just not strong enough to withstand all the complications. June 26 is a day filled with sorrow and grief. Even though DG was not my child by birth my heart aches that I will never see her grow, I will never hear her laugh, or even know what color her eyes were. Yet, I know she is in a place where there is no pain and no suffering. I don't know all the reasons she was sent. But I do know that my family is blessed beyond reason to be who we are. We may not see eye to eye on everything but when the goings get tough we are there to support each other. These are the words I wrote for DG's momma the day we buried our precious Angel.
The blessing of a child can only be called a miracle. The loss of a child can only be called a tragedy. There are no words or reasons that can fill the emptiness that losing you has created. Yet, in your short life you managed to do what most strive for on a daily basis. You moved mountains with your strength and filled oceans with your love. We do not mourn because you were taken from us, we mourn because we were not taken with you. All we ask of you sweet angel, is that you smile down on us from the Kingdom of Heaven to the path of love so that we may be together again some day.
There really are no words to diminish the pain of losing a child. I grieve everyday for this baby, I know I will never heal from this wound. Right now it is about learning to live with the ache.......
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