Are you my father??

One day this summer my sister and I were strolling through the store when we came across the Dr Seuss book "Are you my mother?" We laughed and talked about our mother, one of the greatest women we know. She has been my rock and my shoulder for more my entire life. Even when I would get mad and blame life circumstances on her, she took the abuse and loved me everyday. She took the blame that I put on her shoulders and showed me how to be a good person, how to be responsible. She taught me life skills and lessons that can only be taught with an open heart and a strong will.
It makes me wonder how different my life would be had my father stuck around. I don't know why they got divorced, I really don't want to know. All I know is that you lose a certain part of you when the man that is supposed to be your example of who to choose as your mate, chooses to walk away and never look back. My father left when I was 5, from then on he flitted in and out of my life to his convenience. We all know how hard it is to travel with a family, and his "new" family was growing. I hated him for several miserable years, not like you hate someone for doing you wrong. I hated him for all he had taken from me. I would never attend a father/daughter dance. My father would never walk me down the aisle. My father would never bounce my children, his grandchildren on his knee. One day I thought about it...I didn't make him leave. No, my mom and him couldn't be in the same room together without tension growing so thick you could cut it with a knife. But he never fought for me either, he never declared I was his child and he would be a part of my life come hell or high water. No he walked away and then let me walk away. I went to live with him and his family I was probably 13. I knew it all and my mom was crazy, I was hell bent on proving that my father was the man that I had on a pedestal and she knew nothing. How wrong I was. Here I am believing with every ounce of my being that the grass is a whole lot greener on the other side. It might have been, had someone cared long enough to water it. Maybe it is all in my mind, but here is what I remember of that summer....long days alone with my sister and her sister. Which was fine, the three of us got along great. Until I found myself alone, their grandma would pick them up to go shopping and leave me behind. They lived on a long country road in MT, I had no way of making friends and I had left all my friends in NM. I was lonely and sad and no one cared, at least it seemed to me. So I did what any kid my age would do, I cried for my mom.
I know my father didn't want to take me home...heaven forbid...he might actually have to pay child support!! Imagine that! I remember calling my Daddy Dave, I think I called him on a Friday..I was home the next Wednesday. To this day I have no idea what my Grandfather told my father, all I know is I got home, where I belonged.
After that..communication with my father ceased to exist. He let me walk away, instead of making me part of his life, he let me go. He didn't fight, he didn't demand that I stay, he didn't even ask...he just let me go. and I hated him for it! For years I carried the weight of hate around with me.
Until now, I don't hate him and I don't pity him. I am so very thankful to the people that have cared enough about me to make me a part of their lives! I thank God every day for the greatest gift of my life, my Mother! She has been there for every milestone in my life! From the day I was born, to my wedding and the births of my children. She gets to see who I have become as a person, she gets to be a part of my children's lives, and better yet we get to be friends! We get to see love and life together as adults, and he misses that. He made a choice, he left.
I have attempted to rebuild that bridge that the both of us tore down....but it takes two. I have done my part. I have forgiven him for leaving, I have forgiven the empty promises and the broken dreams. I have moved on. Apparently he has not, he is still content to sit back and not be a part of my life....and finally I am ok with that!!!