DAMMIT!!

So I have put up a good front the last few weeks....hell I guess the last two months have all been one great big fake smile..............I HATE THIS!!! I hate how much I miss him. I hate how much it bothers me to go to bed alone and to wake up the same way. I hate how I reach for the phone to call him. I hate how I reach for him in the middle of the night. I hate how a song can make me cry because it reminds me of him. I hate how much the kids remind me of him. I hate how much they miss him. All the way around I just hate this!!

I miss him for selfish reasons. I miss that he is not here to help carry the load. I miss that he is not here to pick up the pieces when they all come tumbling down. I hate that he isn't here to hold it all together. I want to be angry with him because he isn't here. I want to scream and yell and stomp my feet when it all just gets to be to much. I want him home so bad it is like a hole that can't be filled. Nothing you put there will fill it. There is a part of my life that is just missing without him. It fills up during those all to brief phone calls. You hold onto every word he says. Even if they make no sense in your world you hold them in your heart like you would hold gold in your hands. You hold onto those I love you's and I will be home soons for the bad days. So you can replay them in your head, so you know it will be ok.......soon. You listen to the sound of him breathing, the tone of his voice, the sound of his laugh, since those are the only clues you have to let you know if he is ok. You wonder is he sleeping? Are they feeding him ok? Does he have enough snacks? What can I send him so he knows how much we love and miss him?
There isn't a minute of any day that passes that he isn't part of............
Dammit I just miss him.......I want him home. I just want to be able to feel him close. To know that my partner and best friend his right next to me and not an ocean away....to know that he is safe and well fed.....to know he will be there when I reach for him in the middle of the night........